One Day More

I was in the mood to write a blog about 2012, but that old adage came back to me...

"If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all."

So, I'm going to go read my Bible now, and try again tomorrow from a different perspective.

Maybe stand on a desk or something... ;)

even this way

Smiling hasn't been too prevalent this holiday season.
Guilt has.  Like that Christmas Tree Cake that was so not resisted today at lunch, and those three hours when I was just seriously pissed off at everything, and the rage made me meaner than deserved and slightly childish.  And the pure stress that exists in coming home from a long, bad day to a stressful home (which is worse).
Stress has been pretty high on the list.  Whining too.  Even though today has been full of blessings.
Blessings like waking up rested when I had to talk to people to get the water turned on this morning.
Blessings like not having cancer.
Blessings like friends who would go out of their way to invite me over to give me a break since they knew I was having a bad day, and they love me.
And blessings like the reminders in people's blogs that my day was really not that bad.

Sometimes we drown in our petty sorrows and don't rise above them because all we can see is me-me-me, and that's when after crying for thiry minutes out of pure stress, sadness, and frustration, you cry because you  remember that Jesus loves you even this way.

The Infinite and the Finite

From the Valley of Vision, another Puritan prayer that speaks to the soul :)

Thou great I AM,

Fill my mind with elevation and grandeur at the thought of a Being

with whom one day is a thousand years, and a thousand years as one day,

A mighty God, who, amidst the lapse of worlds,

and the revolutions of empires, 

feels no variableness,

but is glorious in immortality.

May I rejoice that, while men die, the Lord lives;

that, while all creatures are broken reeds,

empty cisterns, fading flowers, withering grass,

he is the Rock of Ages, the Fountain of living waters.

Turn my heart from vanity,

from dissatisfactions,

from uncertainties of the present state,

to an eternal interest in Christ.

Let me remember that life is short and unforeseen,

and is only an opportunity for usefulness;

Give me a holy avarice to redeem the time,

to awake at every call to charity and piety,

so that I may feed the hungry,

clothe the naked, 

instruct the ignorant,

reclaim the vicious,

forgive the offender,

diffuse the gospel,

show neighborly love to all.

Let me live a life of self-distrust,

dependence on You,

mortification,

crucifixion,

prayer.

Vulnerable

This one's serial.  Like watching the news ticker of my brain/life at the moment:

 

I'm teaching World War II tomorrow... in two days... I really do enjoy my job, but the system is absurd.  Public Ed = No bueno.  

There is a  girl who graduated from the high school I teach at last year who had cancer.  She had it beat, and went off to Texas for her freshman year, but over the Thanksgiving break she found out the cancer has returned with a vengeance  and was told that all that can be done is a barrage of surgeries.  She has chosen not to treat it.
(right in the middle of writing this I found her blog:  http://thelifeandtimesofgrimlizziepapa.blogspot.com/)
For some reason, even though I've never met this girl in my life, her story really struck me now.  I've been far from the Lord, as we all know (and as my students can definitely tell), but it really puts things into perspective.  I'm terrified of having the most important conversation with my own father.  I whine because I don't have a boyfriend, and complain about not having enough time to teach.  I get so angry at people's ignorance, and the corruption of government.  I get bogged down by biblical criticism, and so angry because my church is in such a dry place right now.  But, God is SO much bigger!  

I had a much needed conversation with Allie-bug.  This is one of those times which are becoming routine in our lives when we are going through the same thematic spiritual growth, but in completely different places and situations.  Last time, I was in England and she was at camp in Giddings.  This time, I'm home, and she's in California.  I miss her so much.

I just realized that a young lady at my church graduates from high school in about six months, and I feel so stupid, because I should have been closer to her for years, but my awkwardness and shyness got in the way of a huge blessing.  She is smart, and independent, and strong, and beautiful, and has a big heart that she doesn't show much, and I should have pushed myself into her life way before now.  I should have been there for her, gotten coffee with her, told her what little wisdom I've gained in my short life, made myself available to her, and gotten to know her.  At least, I should have tried.  Instead, awkwardness prevailed.  I hate regret.

I really wish I could find a group of Christians in my town that are my age, but I find excuses not to look for them...

I realized that I'm not ok with dying.  And that is NOT ok.   I have always been very comfortable with my mortality, but for some reason the thought has really scared me lately.  Now, I don't think my death is impending or something, but, reading Lizzie's blog exposed something I had been ignoring.  To live is gain, but to die is Christ!  How sill to be afraid of the next great adventure.  Hm.  Need to look into that one. Somehow, sometime I've moved away from the Lord.
Also, I think he's leading me to some very uncomfortable moments in my very comfortable life... I think I know what they are, and he knows I'll come around, but I'm not quite ready to just yet.  Dumb.

For some reason, this video just reminded me of how beautiful the world really is:

http://www.youtube.com/embed/0VqTwnAuHws

I've been reading The Weight of Glory by Lewis lately, which, as usual, is a perspective changer.
Everybody is searching for something.  Something they overheard once, but can't remember.  They marvel at beauty, and feel a faint longing for something even more.  They are searching for an answer, for reality, and its as if they're feeling their way towards what might be a light.  They're knocking at a door in the fog, just waiting for it to be opened.  And then, in glory, at the end of our days, the door has been opened, and we get to walk in.  We are recognized.

I was teaching (or trying my hardest to at least - sometimes I really feel like a failure, teaching Bible Study for youth) about how we are to be in the world, not of it.  It's funny sometimes when you teach you realize just how very little you actually know.  I get so bogged down by this world.  It's full of evil, hatred, debauchery, ignorance, violation, and pain.  And I feel all of that.  I try to reason it out, to advocate a just retaliation, but I just keep missing the big picture.  It's just all so broken, and I can't fix it.  That's my curse.  I always try to fix it.  It's so dumb!  I can't fix it, because it's already been fixed.  I just need to stop hammering away.

It's started raining tonight.  And it makes me smile, big time.  "God is in the rain."  It's a special thing he and I have going.  He just keeps pounding me over the head with it... "I'm here. I miss you.  I adore you.  Stop running away and get to know me, silly!"  Thought of course, much more eloquently put by plucking at the heartstrings.


"I believe that God only puts us on Earth for a purpose, and once we have done that, we don't have to live here anymore."  Find your purpose.  I need to keep reminding myself of mine!

 

Thankful - November 2012

30. I'm thankful for the holiday season. Even though its bloody stressful, there's nothing like Advent to lift a spirit!

29.  I'm thankful for occasional simplicity.

28. I'm thankful for my grandparents.  There's nothing better than growing up with the love of grandparents surrounding you, teaching you, spoiling you, and cherishing you.

27.  I'm thankful for books - the worlds they open, the way they smell, how they make you feel, and their honesty in just existing, their permanence shouting to the world that things don't always have to change.  They grow old over time, just like us, but they remind us that the world doesn't have to go by so fast.

26.  I'm thankful for second chances.  God never gives up, never lets go, and always wants you back, no matter how you feel about him.

25.  I'm thankful for realizing what true love is, and for the gift of having been able to feel it in my life.

24.  I'm thankful for old world tobacconists with cool shops, old furniture, night air, and restored builings.  Oh yeah, and bon fires. :D

23.  I'm thankful for the holiday spirit!  

22. (yeah...happened again) Today, I'm thankful for feasting - the blessing it is to be able to feast, and the fun and family it brings.  Also, it reminds me that I really enjoy being a part of American culture :D

21. I'm thankful for Tolkien, and the beautiful picture of reality that he painted through wonderful fantasy.

20.  I'm thankful for tonight, spent playing 42 with one of my other mother's, Blythe, and Miranda, laughing til it hurts, and making good food with good friends.

19. Thankful that teachers get plenty of holidays. :S

18.  I'm thankful for Ren Fest - the nerds, the music, the smells, the enjoyment, and being able to dress up and still being the cool kid.

17. I'm thankful for old houses, the changes that happen in my early 20's, and the relationships that lead to spending an hour scrubbing oil into a wood floor, and enjoying every second of it.

16. Thankful for kittens, and how warm and fuzzy they make me feel. :)

15. (oops... got FAR behind!)  I'm thankful for days like today when I remember why I love my job, and when I feel like I've actually done well at it!

14. I'm thankful for Anna C, who knows just how to make me laugh when situations are dark, who is my oldest friend, who sees through me, who understands my creative need to write, and who loves me fiercely and always will.  It's returned.

13.  I'm thankful for Miranda, who has understood me since we were kids, who challenges me, who helps me exercise my mind, who is always there to listen, and who thoroughly gets my nerdy and southern side.  We honestly would not be the people we are without each other.z

12.  I'm thankful for Allie B , who will always be one of my persons, who encourages me in the Lord, who understands my crazy and loves me anyway, and who I cannot image life without.

11.  I'm thankful for nights of the arts, good food, good wine, feeling beautiful, running in the rain through a city, and a road trip full of talking.

10.  I'm thankful for a wonderful mother, who, at this point in life, is also a best friend.

9.  I'm thankful for a few extremely close friends.  There's nothing so precious as friends you've known since your formative years who truly know you inside and out.  The kind of friends who you don't have to speak in complete sentences  with, and who know that all you need is to be distracted or allowed to cry.  And who no matter how long you're apart, you still love each other totally and can pick up right where you left off.

8. "WEAVERS were the photojournalists of the day." (Eddie Izzard) Thankful for comedy and the ability to laugh, today. 

7.  Thankful for a church family who I dearly love, and who dearly love me.  They may be flawed, but they are wise with years and take care of their own, and they make me smile.

6. I'm thankful for the freedom given by Christ alone.  
"For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery."  - Galatians 5:1

5. Remember, remember... I'm thankful for people who speak out against tyranny and evil, even if it makes them look crazy.

4.  I'm thankful for a life full of scents! - burning wood in fall, fresh cut grass in summer, a baby's hair, bonfire on your clothes after Roper's birthday, lavender, an old church, basil and garlic cooking, coffee in the morning, and spring coming just to name a few.

3.  I'm thankful for Saturday mornings watching good stories with my best friend, my Mom.

2.  I'm thankful for days like today when my kids get really excited about history, and when I can open their minds a little wider in the process.

1.  I'm thankful my Dad likes it when I get home because my parents and I enjoy hanging out with each other.

Paradoxes

I picked up my phone about five or six times tonight during my "quiet-devotion-bible-study-whatever-you-wanna-call-it" time because my mind is so overrun with things to take care of at work, at church, at home, and in my heart.  I am at my end lately.  Lots of tears have been shed for just about every little corner of my life and soul as of late.  I am utterly tired.  I am so busy.  I have so many doubts.  I am discouraged and frustrated and pessimistic.  I am too busy to be lonely, but drawn to man I wouldn't marry anyway.  And my mind cannot hold any more water.  In the midst of this,  I'm compelled to flip around in the shiny little paperback that recently arrived at my doorstep in a box with a smile on it.  Those compulsions are lifesavers sometimes.  Just a little inner push to do this, or say that, or hug them.  It's a nudge saying, I'm right here, trust me.  And tonight, it led me to page 72 of The Valley of Vision:  A collection of Puritan Prayers & Devotions.  (I'm a nerd remember ;)

I laughed when I saw the title of the prayer that was predestined for me to read tonight, in this moment at my end.

"Paradoxes"

Ha.

I have always had an intimate relationship with paradoxes.  We are kindred spirits, you see, paradoxes and me.  I am and I am not.  I contradict myself, but I do not.  I am complex, just like this beautiful stinking universe, and so I have always loved paradoxes.  I've always seen them as a little hint in the universe of God saying, You're complicated.  I know.  I'm even more complicated.

And then, of course, I read the prayer.  And it is oh so perfect for me tonight...

O Changeless God,

Under the conviction of thy Spirit I learn that

the more I do, the worse I am

the more I know, the less I know,

the more holiness I have, the more sinful I am,

the more I love, the more there is to love.

O wretched man that I am!

O Lord,

I have a wild heart,

and cannot stand before thee;

I am like a bird before a man.

How little I love thy truth and ways!\

I neglect prayer,

by thinking I have prayed enough and earnestly,

by knowing thou hast saved my soul.

Of all hypocrites, grant that I may no be an evangelical hypocrite,

who sins more safely because grace abounds,

who tells his lusts that Christ's blood cleanseth them,

who reasons that God cannot cast him into hell, for he is saved,

who loves evangelical preaching, churches, Christians, but lives unholily.

My mind is a bucket without a bottom,

with no spiritual understanding,

no desire for the Lord's Day,

ever learning bu never reaching the truth,

always at the gospel-well but never holding water.

My conscience is without conviction or contrition,

with nothing to repent of.

My will is without power of decision or resolution.

My heart is without affection, and full of leaks.

My memory has no retention,

so I forget easily the lessons learned,

and thy truths seep away.

Give me a broken hear that yet carries home the water of grace.

Tomorrow, needs to be a day of prayer, patience  love, holiness, and pausing.  I need to breathe.  I need to be quiet.  I need to be still.  I need to visit my grandparents.  I must to apologize to my 1st period class, and I need to refocus on my purpose - that Christ is all. 

Don't Hate

I have two problems with hate.
 I have too much of it.
 I see too much of it.

The other day I was in a group discussion that comprised of a baffled and very frustrated talk on how because 'kids today' get so much for free (they live in a culture of free and owed-to-me) they do not appreciate education or care about it.  This conversation then flowed into one on how idiotic our leaders are when it comes to finance and economics, which then concluded with laughing at those crazy people who buy gold in preparation for an economic downturn.  I say I don't understand why the kids are apathetic, but I do understand.  Pride of ownership goes a long way, and being spoon fed lies your entire life skews your perspective on the world.  This animosity, though I have been a participant in its creation, is wearing me so thin.

Facebook lately has been this same kind of exhausting.  Political post after political post, and all of them full of hate and purporting to be true.

"Prayer"

"Thanking them for their selfless service"

"I intend to lead and to have an America that's strong and helps lead the world"

I'm as guilty of spewing the political hatred as anybody, but I have grown oh so tired.  So tired of lies, deceit, hatred, falsehoods, and aggression.  So, I've realized, its all part of the same evil game.  A game to further hatred in my heart.  Consider...

Aren't these things of darkness?  
Why do we choose darkness?  
Why do we continue to elect evil, be it lesser or more?  
Why do we continue to believe lies?  Fool me twice, or every two years of my life, shame on me.  
Why do we continue to pretend like we're the exception?  
Why is it so easy to forget "do unto others as you would have them do to you"?  

Instead of messages like, "Let's make everyone else like us!" (which by the way has always been the death of whatever cultural trait or belief you are trying to save) and "We'll kill them because they killed our boys" (Which has worked out oh so well for peace, right?), and "Go vote so we can pretend like you had a choice!", why not try these:

"Let love be genuine.  Abhor what is evil."
"Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse them."
"Live in harmony with one other."
"Out do one another with showing honor."
Romans 9
"Abstain from all appearance of evil."
1 Thess. 5
"And have no fellowship with the unfruitful works of darkness, but rather reprove them."
Ephesians 5
"You should not follow a multitude to do evil."
Exodus 23
"Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God."
Matthew 5
"For freedom Christ has set us free, do not submit again to the yoke of slavery."
Galatians 5
"Be not conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind."
Romans 12

Hey there, Contentment

The Fall TV season is slowly (oh so slowly - missing my vampire diaries, just gonna admit that right here *ahem*) starting up.  One of the first premieres I watched was the one for 19 Kids and Counting.  This is the TLC show about the Duggar family.  I actually really like the Duggar's.  I'm not going to live the way they do, but in general I admire how strongly they exude the image of Christ.  They do a much better job of it than I do.

1 Timothy 6:6-7

But godliness with contentment is great gain, ⁷ for we brought nothing into the world, and^[c] we cannot take anything out of the world. 

This episode included an interview with the older girls about courtship.  I was impressed with the girls.  They were open and honest, yet articulately explained that their choices not to date are not just religious strictness imposed by their parents, it's a choice they have made to guard their hearts, but one thing they said was key. Paraphrased it went like this:  "The point isn't when or if we get married, it's being content in the Lord with what we have right now, and in what we are doing right now."

That for some reason just struck me.  It was like cold water on your face while you're fuzzy from too much heat.  Contentment.  It's not about being content while you WAIT for some stupid Prince Charming.  It's being content in the life you have RIGHT NOW because Christ saved you.  Wow.  

I can't even explain why it clicked, or what it all means.  I'm in the baby stage of contentment right now.  But it clicked.  Those moments just happen in this relationship with the Creator of the universe - things just suddenly become clear, make sense, and its like a little gate in your heart and your head pops open and the right things go streaming in.  God used the Duggar girls to go "Hey, you are definitely NOT content, Ms. Bitterness.  Wake up!  This is SO much better than your whiny disgruntled attitude."  

Since then, thoguh I'm exhausted and really need to focus my eyes on Christ more lately, He has been teaching me contentment.  This stuff isn't mine.  This world is not my home.  It's not between them and me; it's between me and him.  I created nothing.  I brought nothing into the world, and I can take nothing out of it.  I have a lot of learning to do, but oh this contentment feels so good.  I'm such an uptight person.  It's really just another form of slavery.  Letting go because there's no reason to worry about things is truly a beautiful thing.

Fall in love with Jesus.
Be content because he saved you.
Be his.

That's all that matters.

Today was a rough day.  I had a nightmare last night that came to life today which was freaky, and funny, and then had a confrontation with a student 5th period which always rattles me, so I'm going to play video games and laugh and enjoy good wine with friends.  I'm letting go of this crazy day because it was never between me and them anyway.

Philippians 4:11

Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. ¹² I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. ¹³ I can do all things through him who strengthens me.

Another blog with really good thoughts semi-related to these:  "If we had learned we don’t abstain from sex because we’re 'waiting'. We abstain because we love Him." http://gracefortheroad.com/2012/02/03/idontwait/

So much wonder...

Coming home has always been a feeling I am well acquainted with.  I love traveling, I love it soooo much, even though I always get motion sickness a million different ways yet I still get on planes, trains, and automobiles with no hesitation because I love to go and to see this world.  I have an explorer's nature, but a hometown girl's heart.  I always love coming home.  We got home yesterday from a trip to Northern California.  When we walked out of the airport in Houston, I could just feel the sense of 'coming home'.  Texas is like no other place in the world, and it is my home.  It truly is a beautiful and unique place, and coming from here has a different flavor it adds to the soul that no other place has.  

Today, I stayed in the house until about 4pm recouperating, and then went to Walmart because we have no food in the house.  This was a mistake.  I love my hometown, and I like living in a small town, but my town is full of HORRIBLE drivers, and... well, let's just say, they've drank the kool-aid, a lot.  And...it's hot in Texas, hot and humid. At least in my neck of the woods.  But, it's still home.  I love home. 

Speaking of home, I have decided that this is home.  The current plan is to stay in Lufkin for a minimum of five years, and then go off to grad school in Maryland.  By then, I should be able to get my loans paid off, and grow a good bit.  This is the plan, but the plan can change at any moment. Preferably, by marriage - just throwing that in there. :)

"Many are the plans in the mind of man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand." - Pv 19:21

Our trip was tiring but very fun.  I got to hang out with my best friend and her husband for several days, and we picked up like we had never been apart.  I think now that I've seen her again, I'm gonna miss her even more.  Napa Valley was absolutely gorgeous, and we took a back way to get there through the winding, forested roads in the mountains that took us deep into wine country, and Allie and I just soaked up that time together in one of the most beautiful places.  We accidentally ate at one of the best places in Napa Valley, and paid for it, but ate great.  The Winchester House was awesome for me because one of the things I adore is old houses!  It was so weird, and I would love to just wander around in it for hours.  We walked a lot in San Francisco, but the best part was Alcatraz.  It was a really good tour, and fun to wander around.  And I was loving life just blasting across the bay on the boat back (and got severely sunburned for it, but it was worth it.)  Last we saw the redwood trees in Muir Woods, and I fell in love.  Occasionally, I have a moment where I can see the world with different eyes.  Muir Woods was one of those moments. 

It's as if I can just dispel the world for a while, and take in... creation.  It's as if I can suddenly really understand what beauty is, what majesty is, what wonder is.  It's where you just savor being a soul, and rejoice in the gift of life and the world around you.  It's when I am not bogged down by the falleness of the world, and can see, for a second, that it was always meant to be more.  And it tastes like another world, another time, another... dimension.  It's there... right at the end of your senses, this ... other.  It's beautiful.  It's indescribable.  And it just is wonder to the soul.  It's God whispering, "I'm here; see me."  And then reality snaps back, and I'm in the world again.

 

 

And now I have one week left until I start working for a new school year, and I'm really excited to start my first real year of teaching. I mean really excited.  Don't know how long that will last, but I'm excited, and I have lots of stuff just ready to get organized in my classroom.  All this activity and walking around in California has me energized and ready to get started next week.  So, back to normal, with the resolution to enjoy the normal just as much as I enjoy the extraordinary.

"God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him." - John Piper

Confession & Resolution

I have been consistantly anxious the past few weeks.  Just unsatisfied, and running from something, wanting to scream.  I'm figuring out what that is.  See, I'm fairly good at being an apologist for libertarianism and political stuff like that.  For example, I watched a documentary today that really fired me up.  It made me much more depressed because I realized a lot of my suspicions and what people close to me have told me was proven right, and what they were right about is... horrendous.  It's unspeakable evil.  And, as a human being, and even more so as a follower of Christ - that is just... indescribable and more appalling than words can express.  After I finished the documentary I just wanted to post all over Facebook and Twitter, and write a blog propagating this newly realized truth, but that would make me look foolish.  I know exactly what  people would say of me because I used to say the same thing about people propagating this message.  I know exactly what people at work would say, how they would mock, because I've heard them mock others for this very same truth.  And then it hit me - I was more fired up about this thing, and wanted to tell people about it so badly, but yet I am not that fired up about telling people the gospel.  Yeah, I will teach Sunday School and VBS, and drop a little moral directive into the conversation, but I NEVER tell people the Gospel.  I never talk about what Jesus has done for me.  I may write it on here, or listen to endless sermons, and nod at church, but I never actually speak to other people about it.  The single most important thing in the UNIVERSE, and in my own life, and I don't talk about it.  Living with my dad has intimidated me into silence more than ever before.  But lately, my mouth has been absolutely closed.  And with this documentary, and honestly a piece from Mark Driscoll's latest sermon, I realized what was wrong in my heart:

I am so afraid of appearing foolish.
I am so afraid of offending people.
I am so afraid of being seen in certain unpopular ways.

That is what this constant anxiety has been about.  That's why I dread my quiet times and why they are so shallow of late.  I am terrified to speak the gospel.  I'll talk about unpopular political opinions any day, but when it comes to the gospel my jaw is wrenched shut.   The Holy Spirit has been needling me and needling me of late, and I've been playing Solitaire instead of listening.  I brush it off as someone else's objective, but its not.  It's my mission, and despite the popular misquotation, sharing the gospel is about using words.

I don't know where to go from here.  But I think I shall start with working God's goodness into my daily vernacular.  I'm so afraid of appearing freakish or annoying or pushy, but hey, at the end of the day those who follow Christ have Truth on their side. I have come to the conclusion that our country is on the down-slide.  We have been conned, dumbed down, and conditioned so perfectly that the majority is going to let it happen, so I think I need to step away from all that.  It weighs heavily on my soul, too heavily, and I'm not saying I'm going to stop talking politics all together, but where some people make Am-urica into an idol, I have made exposing the American lie an idol, and both ways are sinful.

So, I suppose this is a confession.  I confess my idolatry, and I confess my sin by omission - omission of telling people about Jesus.  And I resolve to step back and to focus on using my mouth for ministry.  The things I want most in the world are the salvations of my dad and my sister.  What if I'm standing on my dad's death bed, and never opened my mouth to tell him the gospel?  That - in my life - would be the worst sin imaginable.

To Whom it May Concern

There are days when the endless stream of engagements and weddings and stupid rom-com commercials really get to me.
This is one of those days.

I've found out a lot about my last relationship in the past six months or so.  The thing about that relationship was that I was all in.  I would have married him.  I was 17 when we started dating, 19 when we broke up.  But I really really loved him.  And I did it well.  After it ended, I have slowly deconstructed it, and the damage it did to me over time.  It's part of getting to know yourself - this examination of scars, and that relationship and the circumstances surrounding it left a lot of scars.  But time has passed, and I find myself on the precipice.  No, really, I'm over the precipice.  You know how when you're in college you live carpe diem, but really you're also just waiting for your life to really start?  Well, mine has.  And I know myself better now.

I'm weird.
I like tea, not coffee.
I look like your average girl, but I love Aerosmith, Star Wars, Tolkien, Batman, and the Backstreet Boys (yes, even to this day, it's a relationship I've maintained since I was 9 ;) haha ).
I have a lot of unfinished books beside my bed.
I'm lazier than I should be.
You'd think I like debates, but I actually get really stressed out by conflict.
I like theology and astronomy.
I am very much an anglo-phile.
I have hermit tendencies.
Things come out of my mouth that I smack myself for later.
I don't know as much as I thought I did.
I have unpopular political views.
I learn best through hearing.
I sing all the time.
I assume the best of people, but prepare for the worst in them.
I'm good at having a few close friends, but I suck at acquaintances.
I don't really like chocolate or candy, but I love to bake cupcakes, especially after midnight.
I have serious issues when it comes to Biblical criticism, but I love Jesus with all my heart.
Sometimes I don't shut up, sometimes I won't speak.  Both are ill timed.
I can be very very passionate.
I will open my heart easily if it seems likely to be received.
I love to travel.
I'm a homebody.
I have trust issues.  And oftentimes, I feel like something must be wrong with me.

And finally, I really really want to be in love.  I don't have to get married anytime soon, but I'm really tired of waiting.  Yet, at the same time, I have a tendency to settle, and that terrifies me.

Back to that last relationship - after it ended, I sent up a very earnest prayer.  I asked God not to let me date anyone until I dated the man I'm going to marry.  I said I couldn't take that kind of pain again, and I couldn't give up anymore of myself to someone who couldn't be trusted with it, so I prayed.  I have cursed that prayer so many times since then, but God knows me so much better than I know myself.  He knew that it would have crushed me to find out that I had been cheated on so soon after it ended.  He knew that the few guys I had crushes on over the years were not right at all.  He knew that I didn't need a silly boy, I needed Him.  And he knew that He and I needed to work on our relationship over those years with no distractions.  Now, I have not been the most faithful companion to my heavenly forever love, but I always come wandering back saying, "Yeah, you were right."  But my trust issues remain.  But now, mid-summer of my twenty-third year, and I'm in one of those longing moods again.  I go through this cycle of being fine with it, enjoying singleness, to wondering what's wrong with me, to really pointing out all my flaws (which I'm good at), to getting really frustrated, to just missing him.

This is one of those nights.  I miss him, and I don't even know who he is.  But, I know I'm in good hands, but they are not mine.  And I have a long way to go in working out a much more important relationship than that with my husbands, and a lot of people have waited a lot longer than I have, but I really miss my husband tonight.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AxGzWlNZfk4

Problems with Princes

 Every little girl wants to be a princess.  

We grow up watching Disney movies, and dreaming that someday our prince will come, but then you get older, and you get jaded.  On one hand you meet actual boys, you give them your heart and try to be a princess, but in the end they break it, and they didn't even own a horse!  

Then, as a girl, maybe you become a Christian.  Then, you find a different kind of Prince who will never break your heart, and you start tuning into a kingdom beyond the mundane and the fairy tale.  You realize that you actually are a princess. You bear what's called the imago dei or the image of God, and that makes you valuable.  You are valuable because you are human.  We are different from all other creatures, because we are not bodies; we ARE souls.  And that makes us all equal and valuable.  And then, the gospel speaks in.  We were slaves to this world, and Christ bought us, and freed us, and brought us into his house making us royalty.  Remember, how much I love the British Monarchy (even though they have deep dark secrets that I ignore)? Well, maybe that allure is because they are living embodiments of what actually is.  Though, like all things this side of heaven, they are poor shadows of the truth.  Which leads to my next observation...

If you're intellectual and curious like me, you also take this princess idea to a different level.  In America, we grow up loving the rule of the people, the res publica, our flag, our vote, and our world-wide fame of being a democracy.  We don't do kingdoms.  We don't like absolute rule.  We like this idea that we vote for people who will watch out for us and do what we say.  But that's not really how it works. So few people vote, and those who are voted in never do what they are supposed to do.  So in the end about 20% of the populace chooses a little over 500 people (vs. a population of over 313 million) who feel that their office gives them a lot of power to reign over us poor peasants.

And then, again if you're weird like me, you study current events, history, and the Bible.  Those things make you see kingdoms, kings, and princes like you see stinky long-haired boys who broke your heart.  I've been reading A Song of Fire and Ice by George R. R. Martin, and everything bad (and good) that comes from kings and kingdoms is played out in this series.  It's a great series, but it adds to the jaded feelings because of the truth of things that it illuminates.  Kings do bad things.  They kill babies, rape women, sack cities for no good reason, murder people, and all the time feel as if they have a right to do so.

So add all this together - I love the romantic idea of beautiful, genteel princesses, fair and just kings, chivalrous princes who love their princess unconditionally, but the reality of life is that kingdoms are a bad idea, and in a modern sense it doesn't matter if the system has changed because power still corrupts.  In the Old Testament, Israel wants a king so they can be just like all the other nations, but the prophet Samuel speaks for God and says (paraphrased) "Hey, I can give you someone who will be in authority over you as a king, but he's going to take your sons and kill them in battle, make you and your kids work for him however he sees fit, take your best food and goods from you in taxes, and you will be his slaves; but if that's what you want, then ok..." (1 Samuel 8:10-18)  And of course, because God shows his true, deep love for us in choosing the people who can be the most foolish (like Peter, the Israelites, David, Abram, myself...) they say that they want a king, and so the game of thrones begins and continues to this day.

I get bogged down by this stuff.  It really bothers me how much bloodshed and injustice is in the Old Testament.  But then, we have to remember.  While the Old Testament records actual real events, truth, it is a song of sorts.  It's a song showing us how very broken the world is because of the Fall, and how we can't hope to have fairy tale lives on our own because we always screw it up.  

Enter Jesus.

"Repent for the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand." (Matthew 4:17)

"Let the children come to me; do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of God." (Mark 10:14)

“Truly, truly, I say to you, unless one is born again he cannot see the kingdom of God.” (John 3:3)
“My kingdom is not of this world. If my kingdom were of this world, my servants would have been fighting, that I might not be delivered over to the Jews. But my kingdom is not from the world.” (John 18:36)
"...looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God." (Hebrews 12:2)

 That changes things. Not the history of thrones and kings on this earth, nor the warning against dictators that Samuel said many years ago, but it changes the outlook. It says that yes, this authority on earth is corrupt. We live in enemy territory, and it crushes dreams of being a beautiful princess because we are locked in a tower. But, Jesus changes everything. He is the gamechanger.  

We foolish, broken humans don't get everything right, but eventually because he has saved us for His glory and for freedom (Gal 5:1, Gal 5:13, 1 Peter 2:16) and one day we will live as princes and princess just as we were always meant to live. 

Diamond Shadows

I really enjoy British royalty... stuff.  Ever since I got home today I've been watching my recordings of Queen Elizabeth's Diamond Jubilee celebrations.  I am just so attracted to the pageantry.  There's something about the historicity of it all, and the commitment of the queen, and the pure beauty of it all.  

It's quite ironic actually due to my political persuasion that I should love this stuff so much.  I could never stand to be the subject of a monarchy, at least, not on this earth.  I disagree with it fundamentally on so many levels.  But... I really love the queen! :S  I love all this stuff.  








I think its a longing for things of the past.  A longing for something that happened once and is missing.  Part of it is social programming, but I think there's more to it than that.  It is remarkable that she has been on the throne now for sixty years.  In America, I feel as if we con't have a sense of time, and how young we really are.  Imagine, having a president for six decades.  She was barely older than I am now when she became queen.  And I know personally that I would hate to live in the public eye, with 400 engagements a year, with very little freedom, yet a lot of power.  I'd hate it.  But still... I just love this British stuff.  I always have.  There's an echo of the past, a shadow of things once transpired, that draws me in, and that I just enjoy.

Why Christians/Everyone Should Vote for Ron Paul

I have really shied away from politics on this blog (or tried to) for many reasons, and I intend to keep that up, but the Texas primary is coming at the end of May, and I just can't keep silent about this - our last chance to bring real change.  So, I promise to keep it brief and to the point (keep in mind there's a lot more to say, but I'm chopping things down.)

The ten commandments were on kindergarten classroom walls for a hundred years or more because apparently society at large thought that A) they were simple enough for children to understand, and B) they were Morality 101, the basics to what is right and what is wrong.


We live in a representative democracy which means that we vote to elect people who will do what is best for us, and represent our interests.  Does it then follow logically that the people we elect ought to be moral?  If they are not moral, they are much more easily corrupted, and fail at the simplest of things that we teach kids, and therefore, should not be leaders.  




So, let's look at a few of the 10 commandments and discuss!


1. Do not bear false witness against your neighbor.
Don't stand up there and bold faced lie.  'Don't hit' and 'don't lie' are the first things you teach a kid. So why, when we become adults, and become leaders, do we suddenly accept lying as the status quo.  Why is that acceptable?  If a friend lies to you, it's not ok.  Why then do we continue to elect people who say one sugar-coated thing on campaign, then do something utterly different in office?  And then, when they get caught lying (such as saying there were WMDs in Iraq, when there were not) why do we just kind of mumble in frustration and move on with life?  Lying is just not acceptable.  So, we should elect a man who has the best voting record of any politician.  Ron Paul believes in what he believes, and he sticks to it.  He doesn't flip flop.  He doesn't get involved in dirty intrigue or media plants.  And, he tells the public the truth.  Other congressmen are annoyed by him because of how ...well, honorably he conducts himself.  


"A truthful witness saves lives, but one who breathes out lies is deceitful." - Prov. 14:25
"As servants of God we commend ourselves in every way... by purity... by truthful speech, and the power of God..." - 2 Cor. 6
"Love...rejoices with the truth" - 1 Cor. 13:6
'Jesus said, "I am the way, the truth, and the life, and no one comes to the Father except through me." - John 14:6


2. Do not murder.
Don't hit.  "You wouldn't want Tommy to hit you, would you?" 
We learn later that it is acceptable to protect oneself and one's family and property.  That's fairness.  But, we always know that it is wrong to kill another innocent human being.  A lot of people spout off that Ron Paul has a bad foreign policy, but if we evaluate it logically, it actually makes the most sense.  We have destroyed Afghanistan in our attempt to weed out Al Qaeda, and we went into Iraq under false pretenses.  When truly, a military is only supposed to be defensive, when there is just cause, not world-policemen or hitmen.  And then there's that pesky constitution that says Congress has to declare war to fight one.  Silly old piece of paper, right?  Ron Paul is for protecting the troops, not using them to unjustly murder people.  And finally, of course, Paul is against abortion, because humans no matter how small or how incapacitated still bear the imago dei.


"For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb." - Psalm 139:13
"Everyone who hates his brother is a murderer, and you know that no murderer has eternal life abiding in him." - 1 John 3:15


3. Do not steal.
'Don't take what ain't yours' is a common sentiment to kids where I'm from. Yes, the Bible tells us to render unto Caesar, but that doesn't mean that how Caesar is taking his coin is right.  What I make does not belong to the government, it belongs to me.  Just like when God creates the universe, it's his, and he can do whatever he wants with it.
Ron Paul has the best tax policy.  He studied economics for many years, unlike most people in Congress (or the country with their 1/2 credit HS requirements).  Paul wants to make taxation a lot less intrusive, so that people can give charitably, live quietly, mind their own affairs, and work with their own hands (1 Thess 4:11; Ps. 72:4) as God intended.


4.  Have no other gods before me.
This one is actually the trickiest one, because not everyone who votes believes in Yahweh.  But, if Christians are to vote for a leader, their worldview dictates that they vote for someone who shares that worldview as closely as possible.  You wouldn't put a Baptist preacher in an Episcopalian pulpit.  People would revolt!  That's because people prefer their leaders to believe in what they consider to be most right and most sacred.
Ron Paul demonstrates a better knowledge of biblical theology than any of the other candidates. He has been consistent in his faith as well, and can defend it at the drop of a hat.  Now, who can judge if a man is saved?  No one, but our actions do give hints on this one, and out of all the people running for president - Ron Paul's beliefs and the way he lives his life definitely reflect Christ, the Prince of Peace.  He even considered becoming a minister at one point, and his family is full of believers.  From, what I can tell Ron Paul is a godly man, with right doctrine, and actual life evidence to show his faith.
(Please see that link and read his statement of faith)




So, Texas is big.  It's a major delegate state (155).  Granted, he would have to win a lot to win the nomination, but popular opinion isn't always right (note the uproar on both sides over Obama's recent revelation)  And also, delegates do not HAVE to vote for who won their state (something I see as a flaw in the system).  And anything can happen STILL at this point in the race (like the 1920 GOP convention), the mainstream media just doesn't present it that way, but that does not make what they say true.  So, I ask you to look into this further, and to really look into the pasts of the other delegates - politically and personally, and to really examine your own motivations for picking them, especially if you seem then as the lesser of two evils, or the best gamemaker.




And yeah, that was as brief as I could have made it. ;D

(Exodus 20:1-17)

Leaving Neverland

You're lying in bed one night and you realize...

I always wanted to be a teacher. I went to school. I did the internship.  And now.... I. Am. A teacher.
The best friend I revered in high school is MARRIED and about to be in grad school.
The best friend who has seen so much of my heart is getting married in 10 days, and moving to California.
My little sister doesn't live here anymore. She's amazing, and she's halfway through college.
I've been a Christian for 5 years.
I've been out of high school for 5 years.
My grandparents are really old.
I can go wherever I want.
I'm a woman. Not a girl.

I grew up.

Cause God Makes No Mistakes

My dad downloaded Lady Gaga's Monster Ball Tour at Madison Square Garden.  (ignoring the vulgarities which are distastefully numerous...) It's a spectacle.  If I were a critic, I would commend her.  It's an awesome concert, and she has a pretty freaking hot lead guitarist.  


But, here's what struck me more than anything... After watching The Monster Ball, it's so much more obvious that we were MADE to worship.    The Monster Ball will set you free, she says!  You can be whoever or whatever you want to be!  It's ok!  And that is gospel to some people who have always felt hated and like freaks.  (Side note - Church how messed up are we that so many people feel this way because we judge them instead of teaching them the gospel of grace.) But something else is at play here...


Gaga has perfected her craft.  A perfect cocktail of the melodies that pull you in and latch in your brain.  They're irresistible! She takes what culture says is inappropriate, and what new counter-culture says ought to be celebrated. People don't appreciate theatre as much anymore, but we were designed to respond to stories, and that is what theatre is, and Gaga pulls it off perfectly.  Plus, a good shot of pure musical talent.  And then - with a dash of relation to the perfect target - the loser kid in every person.  Gaga says "I was you."  I hated myself.  I was common, dirty, poor, had weird desires, and wasn't like the other kids, and so are you, and that's ok.  Everyone hates something about themselves, or feels worthless in some way, and we are all looking for a savior.  


I didn't used to believe that.  I thought, "What do I need to be saved from?"  And on good days, you can bypass the savior issue because its not a problem.  It's those days where you wish you could rip your heart from your chest to stop the pain and can't cry another tear but you're still sobbing that you just wish somebody would save you.  And then its the moments when you feel like you don't have any friends, that you're worthless, and you don't know why people like you, and you don't think you're valuable.  Those moments say - SAVE ME.  What gets overlooked when we just accept that we were born this way, and try to be happy and satisfied in that, is the fact that while yes, we were born corrupted, broken, and doomed to experience pain, is the fact that it SHOULD NOT BE THIS WAY.  


We should never have experienced those feelings!  We should never have had to deal with feeling like losers.  There should never have been war, or disgrace, or evil, or hate, or death, or disease, or any of that.  Something is wrong here.  


Creation is groaning.  We search for a saviour.  We feel out of place.  We need somebody to save us from whatever the heck is wrong in us, because we fractured the universe.  For all these complexities to exist, a being that is beyond all this had to have created it all.  Then, because he is so good and perfect, any rebellion from that perfect goodness is so heinous that it can fracture the universe.  And due to our weakness for lies and pride, we fell for it, and we fractured the universe, and so we deal with this need for a savior and our broken screwed up bodies and souls all these years later.  And so we go to the Monster Ball, and we wanna dance so bad, and we wanna scream because it feels so perfect!  But at the end of the night, we go home... and we're alone... and we still hurt... but what can truly fix the loneliness, and the dissatisfaction with ourselves that we don't admit, is faith.  Faith in the man who defeated all those crappy horrible things, and who can reconcile us to the God we gave the finger to.


Simple faith.  And then to just glorify God, cause he's bigger and better than we could even fantasize about being, and then just to enjoy him forever.

"The real battle in life is to be as happy in God as we can be." - John Piper

"One great advantage of fighting devils is that their masters hate them
 as much as the devils hate us."
- C.S. Lewis