She lost him but she found herself, and somehow that was everything.

'The guy who was meant to love you will never make you feel like a “second-choice” girl.'

I have great experience at being the second choice girl.  Story of my life, right there, it seems. So, I find myself reading this article and getting all teary eyed because it plucks at the heartstrings real close to all those long wrought scars and insecurities. It ALWAYS goes back to - 'will anyone ever just pick me?'

I think that's what makes predestination so easy for me to accept, if we take this thought in a crazy new direction (I have a pin ball machine mind, remember?), because if God is really as powerful as he says he is then of course his choices are already made. He has chosen,  and unlike all the other male figures in my life, he actually chose me. Now, I'm not saying this doctrine is easy for me to accept either. It's not, because that same insecurity exists - obviously no one really wants to choose me.

What's weird is that the article that has me thinking describes this guy who treats a girl really badly. Now, I've definitely been there, but what's actually harder, I think, is when he treats you pretty darn well from beginning to end, so when it's over you still miss him and can't stop thinking about him. I almost wish he had done something horrible, then I could hate him and all this would be easier. But, I'm learning a lot about myself. I really am.

I am also dreading New Years Eve. I was so looking forward to the simple pleasure of having someone to kiss at midnight for the first time since 2007/2008. Yep. That long. I know that's probably petty, but I have lived through so many Valentines Days and New Years and weddings that I thought I might just catch a break, but it wasn't to be. And that's ok. I mean, it will suck, and it will hurt, but it's better this way. I just have to keep repeating that. I hate how pathetic I can get!

But, really, what I'm learning is who I really have become. A man choosing me does not make me valuable. I am a daughter of God; I am valuable. I try to be kind. I try to make peace. I try to be forgiving and loving. I try to make people smile or laugh. I like giving gifts and baking to make people's days better. I read and study. I take my profession seriously. I try to live out the gospel. I try to think and consider. I can hold an intelligent conversation about most things. I am not quick to anger, and I try not to nag and manipulate. I try to give good advice. I care about people deeply. I love and feel things deeply. I try to not drop my problems on others. I'm a nerd. I love to travel. I'm not that crazy. I try to be well read. I try to love people as God loves me. I am very blessed in so many ways by who God has put in my life. All of these things make my life great.

I may still be missing that guy, a good guy, and I am still very damaged because of all the guys - one in particular - but none of that makes me valuable or not, and none of any of this means I am a perfect princess who deserves prince charming. Instead, at the end of the day, it means I'm working through the life that God has given me, and as much as all the feel good articles and Christian sayings try to gloss things over and be positive, I get tired of all those memes because I'm not promised a husband and family one day, but that's ok, because my life is valuable no matter what, and I am finding that value in who God has made me become.

Beginning and the End

This week.

Sometimes you just have to laugh at what life throws at you. I'm going to be honest - this week has been pretty hellish. I was wrong about something pretty important. I was more and more sure, but I was wrong, and the Lord showed me that. And I've learned what that joy that passes all understanding means. I have had some dark moments this week, but also ones of remarkable clarity. I've hurt so badly, but had a lot of realizations too. Life is so weird.

Last Tuesday, I got dumped. But he did it well, and he is still a good man. He's not the right man, as much as I desperately truly want him to be, but tonight I realized that I need someone who would be able to stand with me in what I had to stand up for, and that good man cannot do that. He could. He could be a great man; he has so much in him that I can see, but he's wasting it. I don't say that cruelly. I may be hurt still at times, but I'm not bitter. I think I see through him more than he realizes, or maybe that was the problem, I don't fully understand, but I do know there's things he won't touch that haunt him, and there are drives in his life that are not fulfilling like life can be, but that he won't give up. I realized I wasn't being myself with him, either. I was so scared of losing him or of getting hurt again that I was so closed up that he wasn't able to see the real me.  When he was breaking up with me, I was able to speak to him in a way I should have been doing for months. He was right to so it. I was all in. He wasn't. I still love him. If I'm honest, I want him back, but in order to be the husband I really want he'd have to change in only one real significant way, but you can't make people change. I love him. Not in a platonic way, I fell in love with the man, and I still love him, and that's hard when I see him and talk to him every day at work and it feels good to see him. But, I know who I am, and what I deserve, and I wish he was it. I want him bad, but it seems he's not it. And I'm so scared he's wasting his life. He could be a great dad and husband, he could do anything. But all I can do is try to love him in a different way, and show him how I am not wasting my life.

So I've had the moments of yelling at God, and crying my eyes put, and of little things like a Lawrence of Arabia reference or a Christmas tree feeling like a knife in the heart.  But I've also been able to smile, and defend him when it was deserved, and to worship like I haven't in half a year.

Tonight we had a budget discussion at church that lasted 2 1/2 hours. Yep. Not kidding. I won't bore you with the details, but I saw a rift forming that needs to form. Wolves need to be separated from the sheep, and people need to wake up to the fact that our church is dying, and we must act like Christians if we're going to keep the privilege of being a church.

I made a pretty good disposition on why church members shouldn't have to pay to have their wedding at their church, if I do say so myself. And the issue of having a female music director may or may not have been brought up by yours truly. But here's the thing, my church is dying.  I have spent nearly a decade dealing with archaic and selfish mentalities, and I am done. I have no more patience. I have a lot of love for the people there, and that's why I'm done.  It is time to fight. It is time to decide what kind of church we will be.  Will we live looking backwards until we're dead? Or will we turn around and step towards the dawn?