I am a stupid woman.
"For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing." Romans 7:19
I totally get this sentiment. It's an amazing part of the human condition that we can both desperately want to not be in love with someone and still not be able to make it happen, while at the same time marriages end often because the couple 'doesn't love eachother anymore.' I have made a study of love throughout my life, and I'm the kind of person that can love freely, deeply, and easily. It's actually kind of a problem because once I love someone its so hard to ever let them go. That's why my closest girlfriends are all the same girls that were my best friends in high school. That's why I do not have commitment issues. I also don't think I'm unwise in loving. I was single for seven years for a reason. My heart was so damaged by one relationship that I was terribly cautious about any others (perhaps too much so - I've learned a lot recently about how I am so scared of getting hurt that I build big walls around my heart, but once I start to let them come down...).
"Chemistry wanes. Covenants don't."
I heard a sociologist say this once in a lecture in Austin, and it's become the basis of my beliefs about love and marriage. Chemistry comes and goes. Oddly, I can't kill the chemistry that I feel EVERY SINGLE WEEKDAY. But covenants don't end, and I do not want a marriage that will end.
I am so conflicted and confused. I constantly am trying to pray away my feelings, but they just keep bubbling back. I've done better this week since some things I saw over the weekend let me to make certain conclusions. That's vague, I know, I'm sorry, and what I 'figured out' may not be true at all, but I'm working on the assumption that it is because I really need to move on, and the pain of what I am assuming hurt at least as bad as the break up did. (It's been a rough week, and was a pretty terrible weekend, except Friday night which was awesome) It hurts to not be chosen, and it really hurts like hell when someone else gets chosen after you. But that's the way of life, and I can't blame the guy, it's totally within his rights, but it still hurts. And I was able to finally get angry. Of course, past hurts make me wonder and be suspicious that things are not as they seem, and it did feel like a punch to the gut, but relationships are messy and I'd rather feel this way than never have felt anything at all. I just wish there was clarity now, and that my heart wasn't a jumbled mess!
But, I'm stupid.
I let myself hope; I shouldn't have.
I wasn't myself around him; I'm trying to be now.
I have been heart broken; I'm trying to just keep living my life because its awesome, with or without him.
I compromised because of my attraction; I'm trying to turn that over to the Lord and desire Him.
I keep having the same thoughts; I'm trying to go to war with my own mind and heart and train it for better things.
I don't want to hope anymore. I want to be angry enough to stand up for myself and protect my heart. I want to stop feeling for him. I'm praying more than I have in a long time over all of this, and here's the thing... through everything, I'm learning so much, and remembering things that are worth working for.
And you know, there may never be another guy. And that's ok too. I will be ok because of someone else's steadfast love.
"She lost him, but she found herself, and somehow that was everything."
