Satisfaction.

Sittin' in a tree,

k-i-s-s-i-n-g,

First comes love,

Then comes marriage, 

Then comes a baby in the baby carriage...

My world has been filled with weddings and babies for over a year now!  Just like a little girl's fairy tale 20-something-life.  Some of it is "that girl from high school", "that couple that's friends with so-and-so", but a significant amount of it are people I'm very close to.  Just the other day I was talking to a close friend about her relationship and future unofficial wedding plans, and she apologized for talking about it after a while because she realized that it might be bothering me - the single-for-several-years-24-yo-friend.  I was actually kind of surprised to realize that the conversation hadn't bothered me in the slightest. No jealousy, no longing.

This new mentality is a double edged sword - I find myself not really into love songs.  I don't really want to watch girly rom-coms.  And, I think this is a healthy self preservation.  I'm in a place where, yes, I want to get married, but I don't really want to do that right now... Crazy, I know!  All these years of pining, and I find myself... satisfied?  (what is that? satisfied? psh.) But yes, I'm oddly complacent.

These years of singleness have taught me many things, but things falling into two main themes:

Singleness is a blessing. And God is good.
My heart needs a lot of repairing.

Blessing:
It's an amazing blessing to have a best friend to go through life with - who you can fight with safely and who will fight for you forever, who loves you even when you're not you, when you're on the bathroom floor in complete non-sexiness, and who's not going anywhere.
But not having to worry about maintaining that relationship is also a blessing.  Having time to serve without constraint, having freedom to read as late as you want at night, worrying just about your job and your ministry and not other things truly is a blessing (and God knows I've been busy this year).  It's also the perfect time to travel, to give your all.  A time to throw yourself into ministry, into life, and really learn how to live it well.  Paul said singleness was better, and I think the American evangelical community forgets that.  We (myself, included) watch The Bachelorette and you get out of college and feel like a failure if you're not engaged.  Marriage is wonderful, but not-being-married is also wonderful.

Repairs:
It's taken several years for me to really forgive past hurts, and to understand things about myself that I would have figured out with a partner in a much more destructive way.  I've never dated frivolously; I've dated deep.  I do everything deep.  I cannot live in shallow waters; I suffocate.  But that also means that I open myself up to a lot of pain.  I'm broken.  I've realized a lot of roots in my heart, and there's a lot of fixing to be done, but Prince Charming won't fix me.  Marriage is about sanctification, but my husband can't save me or love me perfectly.  Only God can.  So, we've been renovating for many years, extra costs included, deadline extended.  And we've been redecorating.  I'm such a settler, but as God grows me I'm slowly realizing that he is enough, that I trust him, and I'm worth more than settling.  So the decor has changed, and I'm slowly realizing my worth.  It has little to do with me, but rather, with who he has created me to be.

Also, I get to fully throw myself into these blessings...

 

 

What happened to love thy neighbor?

I just finished (reluctantly, though I loved it in the end) watching a movie called Copperhead.  Abner Beech is a man living in upstate New York during the Civil War.  Abner belonged to a small political group called copperheads, sort of in the same tone that Christians were called christians at Antioch - a derogatory one.  Others saw them as traitors or snakes willing to rip the union apart.  They were against the war between the states basically because it was unconstitutional, and suffered much persecution.

Abner explains his beliefs in this clip:

(spoilers next, if you care to see the movie)

At the end of the movie, the antagonist has killed himself and his son gives the eulogy at his funeral, and it shook me to the bone.  It felt like he was speaking, not to 1864 New York, but to right now.  He calls out the town who sing hymns in church together every Sunday, but yet when someone has a difference of opinion, they call them names, they quote scripture at them, they burn their homes down.  And throughout, the son asks, what happened to love thy neighbor?

What happened to "love thy neighbor"?  Why are we content to sit in church pews spouting hate and judgement when Christ said "Do not judge, or you too will be judged"? (Mt.7:1) 
Why do we kill and destroy others, physically and spiritually, when Christ said "Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God."? (Mt5:9) 
Why are we so fake, complacent, ignorant, and unwilling to do anything when Paul advises us to "let love be genuine, abhor what is evil...love one another in brotherly affection, outdo one another in showing honor...live peaceably with all..." (Romans 12) and that "[love] does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth." (1Cor13:6)?

I couldn't go to church Sunday night because I was just tired.  I was... spiritually weary of it.  Sunday morning we sang a patriotic musical, and one part in particular completely broke my heart.  Within the musical was a medley of the various musical marches for each branch of the military.  After that song, there was a church wide round of applause, and you could just feel the jubilation.  This may seem perfectly acceptable, but it rocked me to my core.  My stomach turned. 

I love my church.  I really do.  They are like family to me.  It has been a very hard year for my church, and for me at my church, but believe me when I say that I love them so very much.  If I didn't, trust me, this year would have been a lot less stressful than it was, but in that moment I saw clarity, and I had to hold back tears.  I admit.  After church, I had to call my best friend and vent.  I was hurt.  I was distressed.  I was disappointed.  I was losing hope.

My church in that moment showed itself true.  When that song closed, and applause rang from the rafters, I looked around shocked.  There was more feeling, and passion in that one moment, than there hardly EVER is when we sing songs to worship God on Sunday!  My church was more excited about battle songs.  They approved of those songs more so than they approve of "Blessed be the Name" (because it repeats too much).  That song struck a chord deep with people.  I know it was an emotional moment as veterans were recognized, but yet, I can't even remember the last time that kind of emotion was stirred in people on a normal Sunday morning.

Now, I didn't start this blog to whine about church issues or even to speak about statism.  I SWEAR! In fact, when I started it I consciously thought that I did not want to mention this story!  But, I guess, this epidemic that has infected the American church manifested itself close to home this week, and... well, the pain, the sorrow, the worry brought it out. 

My church showed that it can feel, though most of the time, it feels lifeless, and it feels complacent or sometimes irritated.  We're comfortable, and do not want to be moved or changed, and if you're different or challenging we don't want you around. The American church is dying quickly because of this epidemic, but I am not dead.  Followers of Christ should be the farthest from dead-living than any human beings on the planet.

So, what happened to love thy neighbor?  The American church has done a horrible job of this.  The Chinese church is teaching Arabic to and training 1 million missionaries to go into the middle east in the next year.  What are we doing?  Are we sending missionaries to Iran?  No.  We want to send soldiers and ships to Iran.  Do you love your neighbor?  Would you have forgiven Pontius Pilate?  Or would you have hung him?  Would you have taken the whore into your home and heard her story?  Or would you have stoned her for her sexual sins?  Would you have left an unwanted child to die, because its not your problem?  Or would you have taken it in?  Are you saying "Of course, I would!  How dare you!" in your mind, but in your heart, you're really lying to yourself?  What happened to love thy neighbor?

"You shall love the Lord, your God, with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind.  This is the first and greatest commandment.  And a second is like it, "You shall love your neighbor as yourself.  On these two commandments depend all the Law and the Prophets."  (Mat. 22:37-40)