When you're little it's love at first sight like Cinderella that you expect. Then you become a teenager and you have such low self esteem and an awkward developing body that the first guy who comes along and likes you is the one you pick, even if that guy is a loser. (that first love of mine did turn into a 2 1/2 year long relationship that lasted from when I was 13 to when I was 16, however.) Then you grow up a little bit and your hormones are fueling some insanity in your brain and you expect love to be like the passionate intensity of a romanitc movie, and it doesn't matter if he's your best friend's boyfriend - you're in love and he's the one and you steal him away and that lasts just long enough that you think you'll marry him, but college happens and you find out that the relationship you thought you had was really a lie because of his self-destructive nature. But you learn. Maybe you spend seven years abnormally single because God makes you wait what feels like forever because He knows just how damaged you are so you need a good seven years of surgery before your heart is any where near safe enough to be given away again. Then you're getting closer to thirty and you think it's never going to happen, but someone from literally next door proves to be different, and you're careful, and its fun, and you're grown up now - you're a different person, and you know it can end at any second, but you can control your reactions a little better, but then it starts to happen, slowly, like falling asleep...
During this 7 year romantic hiatus I have thought a lot about love. Some of it is self-pity and doubt and thinking "what's wrong with me?" that comes from being a single girl through your twenties, but you know - the person you marry really matters, and I personally feel things very very deeply, so I'm glad I've had this period of singleness, and I hope the Lord chooses to bless me with marriage, but that is very much not a guarantee.
What I have learned though is that love is not what you see in the movies. It's not feelings and hormones - it's "I'm not going anywhere" because I know you and regardless what you throw at me I'm staying and we'll work it out together. It's I will take care of you and apologize and we will fight and we will hurt each other but we will stick it out and make it work. So intellectually, I have developed this love thesis - what I didn't know is how bloody terrifying it would be to feel that way about someone.
I had an epiphany the other day that I needed to just let go and trust. Trust him and trust God. I'm too much of a control freak, it's hard for me to just let things happen, so this is a difficult one fore me. But ever since I have just decided to trust, things have taken off at quite the rapid pace in my heart.
Early on, I was terrified that he would abandon me like all the others because I wasn't good enough. Then I realized that he is not all those other guys, and so I trusted him. That ended up being the trip down the rabbit hole. That fear, of being left, is its own special brand or terror, and I don't think it will ever go away really, but what I'm discovering is that there are scarier things - things that are good and right, but that are terribly dangerous. It is dangerous to give your heart away. The only safe place to give it is to the Lord, and I think that's what had me denying this man from the minute I met him when a friend (or three) thought we'd be good together. I think that up until November 5, 2015 I have been giving into the fear of not wanting to give my heart away again because people are sinful and relationships hurt, and I didn't trust that God knew what he was doing when He brought this man into my life, and I know that God can still take him out of my life. But what's crazy is that now, there are even scarier things...
The scary thing is how much I care. The scary thing is that we're coming to a precipice. Dating is easy up until the point at which you dig in, and we are starting to dig in. The scary thing is that he feels like coming home. The scary thing is that I know at this stage of my life what love is and what it is not. I know its not fairy tales and romantic comedies. I know its hard; its painful; its easy to give up on; its exposing; its terrifying; its work. I know that I have doubts, but again, the scary thing is actually how sure I am. The scary thing is how simply right it feels when he kisses me; how easy it was to kiss him on the cheek today at work (when I really shouldn't have!). The scary thing is realizing that I'm more concerned for his heart than mine. The scary thing? ...is that he's male and his love language is not the same as mine and he's going to take more time than I am to get to this place. The really scary thing is that I don't care; I'm used to waiting. The scary thing is choosing him. The scariest thing is that every day, even today which wasn't a great day, I'm more and more sure that I'm done.
It's a messy business digging around in people's hearts, but it's what makes life worth it because it's deep, long relationships that make life all the more beautiful, and to get those relationships we have to do the messy work of opening and digging around in hearts. There's nothing scarier than opening your heart to loving people, because people hurt each other. You willing give someone the power to destroy you. I was reminded that I had that power today, and just a taste of using it the wrong way sent me running because I realized how much he meant to me and how much I hurt when he hurts. There's a verse made a cliche by weddings that really is about any kind of love...
"Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends."
True love is the love of Christ. True love is self sacrificing. True love is a committment, not an emotion. True love is a rare and beautiful gift from God that shows us that we truly are made in his image. True love takes the work of the heart. True love never ends. And you know what, true love - giving or receiving it...regardless of how much thought I've put into it - is just bloody scary.
