Because we match.
There were a lot of red flags for me when this man walked into my life. He's been divorced twice. He's ex-military. He didn't finish college. He is a hard man, who has a tendency to speak harshly. He has two kids that I'm going to have to move into the life of. He has a lot of anger inside of him. He's killed people. He's stubborn. He's not that sentimental or emotional.
Yet, his divorces were biblically permissible, which means my marriage will not be adultery. He's realistic about what the US military is and is not. He's an autodidact, and knows a lot more about some things than I do. The second I call him out on his harsh speech, he repents and explains himself. He's a good daddy, and he loves those girls more than anything. He recognizes his anger, and is leaning into the Lord over that. He and God have done a lot of work over what he's done, and he is a very moral man. He's not unreasonable. He may not cry, but that doesn't mean he doesn't love.
I see him - the good and the bad, and I also see how at each turn we sharpen each other. Sanctification is not going to be fun, but with me and this man it will be fruitful, and our relationship is absolutely centered on Christ.
Yet, I understand him, and as different as we are - we fit. Like two completely different looking puzzles pieces just snapped together. He's a bull-riding cowboy. I'm a naturopath classical small town girl. But we're actually both a lot more complicated than that, and we agree on the big stuff; we have a lot in common. The math doesn't look right (but then again it was perfect with my last ex, and that was totally the wrong relationship), but the poetry is perfect, and you know what? When God explained creation in Genesis, he didn't explain the physics and the math, he did it through poetry.
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| Astros v. Tigers |
Because we're friends.
50 years from now when all he can do is sit on the front porch and drink coffee, I'll be right there beside him with my cup of tea, and we'll talk - because we're friends, because we can talk about anything. We ain't got time, so we're honest, straightforward, and we just say it. The intimacy there is absolutely amazing. (don't worry about the sex! It'll come when it's supposed to.) I have some deep, open relationships with my girlfriends that are irreplaceable and wonderful, but I've never known intimacy and openness like this. (Makes me excited to see how the sex plays into that later, if we're being honest here)
Because this is different.
I've never cared about someone so much, been so physically attracted to someone, yet at the same time felt complete clarity about a relationship. No rose colored glasses here. I see who he is. I know who I am. I know who he is. I know what we want out of life. We communicate. We hash things out - hard things - everytime they come up. We ask the hard questions. We are honest. This is like nothing we've experienced before. This is the end of the road, and the beginning. I always thought that when I found the man I'd marry
Because why wait?
Getting married is a choice, but then staying married is a covenant. It is not broken easily. It should not be broken at all. When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible. (Get the movie reference? eh? eh?) It's truly only social conformity that is stopping us from getting married this year. And honestly, a little bit of wisdom too - we don't want to screw this up, and we actually haven't known each other that long, so if one of us turns out to be a psychopath then we'll call it off, but our little family will come together soon enough. We genuinely do not dwell on the idea, but why waste time wondering and not talking about it because its 'fast' when you know its going to happen? We're so much calmer just knowing and talking about it as the fact that it is. We will wait for about a year just for propriety, but it won't take long.
True love is sacrificial. True love never ends. I love who he is. I love his scars and his damage. I love his girls. I love his sense of humor. I love his knowledge of Christ. I love how he feels about land and animals. I love that he's traditional. I love that he's goofy. I love that he's strong. I trust him. I feel safe with him. I love how he loves me. I just love him, and I'm not afraid to say it.
Because God said so.
More than anything, what I'm struggling with this week are my own demons. Luke and I have had a few conversations this week (and before that) in which we very vehemently disagree. Nothing theological or foundational, but important things still. I think it's a control thing, and I'm going to spend the rest of this week really praying over what's going on in my heart. I've been getting really afraid and emotional over things, even though I know that God has clearly (almost verbally, though not with these exact words) said "It's someday. See, I told you it would come. Here's the man you're going marry." There is so much assurance and peace in accepting God's will in your life. But...
But that means I don't get to pick. That's means I've lost my choice, and it's a choice right? We have free will, don't we? I'm an indepencent modern woman, and I get to do what I want, right? I have control, don't I?
No. I don't. Yes, we make choices and are accountable to our actions and heart, but God is sovereign, and we have absolutely no control. My phone could ring right now and my entire world would shatter, and I have no control of that. God does. God is in control. And he is good, and he is trustworthy. Practically, I'm evaluating everything. Practically, I'm trying to be wise and righteous. But in the end, I don't have to trust myself - that I'm making the right decision or that I've made all the right choices. I don't even have to trust Luke (though I do). Really, I just have to give control of this thing over to the Lord, and just trust Him. (And we all know how AWESOME I am at that *sarcasm*) Yet in the end, all I have to do is let it go.
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| Rodeo Surprise! |
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IN OTHER NEWS!!!!!!!!!! I'm going to be able to satisfy my baby fix for a while!
