Satisfaction.

Sittin' in a tree,

k-i-s-s-i-n-g,

First comes love,

Then comes marriage, 

Then comes a baby in the baby carriage...

My world has been filled with weddings and babies for over a year now!  Just like a little girl's fairy tale 20-something-life.  Some of it is "that girl from high school", "that couple that's friends with so-and-so", but a significant amount of it are people I'm very close to.  Just the other day I was talking to a close friend about her relationship and future unofficial wedding plans, and she apologized for talking about it after a while because she realized that it might be bothering me - the single-for-several-years-24-yo-friend.  I was actually kind of surprised to realize that the conversation hadn't bothered me in the slightest. No jealousy, no longing.

This new mentality is a double edged sword - I find myself not really into love songs.  I don't really want to watch girly rom-coms.  And, I think this is a healthy self preservation.  I'm in a place where, yes, I want to get married, but I don't really want to do that right now... Crazy, I know!  All these years of pining, and I find myself... satisfied?  (what is that? satisfied? psh.) But yes, I'm oddly complacent.

These years of singleness have taught me many things, but things falling into two main themes:

Singleness is a blessing. And God is good.
My heart needs a lot of repairing.

Blessing:
It's an amazing blessing to have a best friend to go through life with - who you can fight with safely and who will fight for you forever, who loves you even when you're not you, when you're on the bathroom floor in complete non-sexiness, and who's not going anywhere.
But not having to worry about maintaining that relationship is also a blessing.  Having time to serve without constraint, having freedom to read as late as you want at night, worrying just about your job and your ministry and not other things truly is a blessing (and God knows I've been busy this year).  It's also the perfect time to travel, to give your all.  A time to throw yourself into ministry, into life, and really learn how to live it well.  Paul said singleness was better, and I think the American evangelical community forgets that.  We (myself, included) watch The Bachelorette and you get out of college and feel like a failure if you're not engaged.  Marriage is wonderful, but not-being-married is also wonderful.

Repairs:
It's taken several years for me to really forgive past hurts, and to understand things about myself that I would have figured out with a partner in a much more destructive way.  I've never dated frivolously; I've dated deep.  I do everything deep.  I cannot live in shallow waters; I suffocate.  But that also means that I open myself up to a lot of pain.  I'm broken.  I've realized a lot of roots in my heart, and there's a lot of fixing to be done, but Prince Charming won't fix me.  Marriage is about sanctification, but my husband can't save me or love me perfectly.  Only God can.  So, we've been renovating for many years, extra costs included, deadline extended.  And we've been redecorating.  I'm such a settler, but as God grows me I'm slowly realizing that he is enough, that I trust him, and I'm worth more than settling.  So the decor has changed, and I'm slowly realizing my worth.  It has little to do with me, but rather, with who he has created me to be.

Also, I get to fully throw myself into these blessings...