She lost him but she found herself, and somehow that was everything.

'The guy who was meant to love you will never make you feel like a “second-choice” girl.'

I have great experience at being the second choice girl.  Story of my life, right there, it seems. So, I find myself reading this article and getting all teary eyed because it plucks at the heartstrings real close to all those long wrought scars and insecurities. It ALWAYS goes back to - 'will anyone ever just pick me?'

I think that's what makes predestination so easy for me to accept, if we take this thought in a crazy new direction (I have a pin ball machine mind, remember?), because if God is really as powerful as he says he is then of course his choices are already made. He has chosen,  and unlike all the other male figures in my life, he actually chose me. Now, I'm not saying this doctrine is easy for me to accept either. It's not, because that same insecurity exists - obviously no one really wants to choose me.

What's weird is that the article that has me thinking describes this guy who treats a girl really badly. Now, I've definitely been there, but what's actually harder, I think, is when he treats you pretty darn well from beginning to end, so when it's over you still miss him and can't stop thinking about him. I almost wish he had done something horrible, then I could hate him and all this would be easier. But, I'm learning a lot about myself. I really am.

I am also dreading New Years Eve. I was so looking forward to the simple pleasure of having someone to kiss at midnight for the first time since 2007/2008. Yep. That long. I know that's probably petty, but I have lived through so many Valentines Days and New Years and weddings that I thought I might just catch a break, but it wasn't to be. And that's ok. I mean, it will suck, and it will hurt, but it's better this way. I just have to keep repeating that. I hate how pathetic I can get!

But, really, what I'm learning is who I really have become. A man choosing me does not make me valuable. I am a daughter of God; I am valuable. I try to be kind. I try to make peace. I try to be forgiving and loving. I try to make people smile or laugh. I like giving gifts and baking to make people's days better. I read and study. I take my profession seriously. I try to live out the gospel. I try to think and consider. I can hold an intelligent conversation about most things. I am not quick to anger, and I try not to nag and manipulate. I try to give good advice. I care about people deeply. I love and feel things deeply. I try to not drop my problems on others. I'm a nerd. I love to travel. I'm not that crazy. I try to be well read. I try to love people as God loves me. I am very blessed in so many ways by who God has put in my life. All of these things make my life great.

I may still be missing that guy, a good guy, and I am still very damaged because of all the guys - one in particular - but none of that makes me valuable or not, and none of any of this means I am a perfect princess who deserves prince charming. Instead, at the end of the day, it means I'm working through the life that God has given me, and as much as all the feel good articles and Christian sayings try to gloss things over and be positive, I get tired of all those memes because I'm not promised a husband and family one day, but that's ok, because my life is valuable no matter what, and I am finding that value in who God has made me become.