I have been consistantly anxious the past few weeks. Just unsatisfied, and running from something, wanting to scream. I'm figuring out what that is. See, I'm fairly good at being an apologist for libertarianism and political stuff like that. For example, I watched a documentary today that really fired me up. It made me much more depressed because I realized a lot of my suspicions and what people close to me have told me was proven right, and what they were right about is... horrendous. It's unspeakable evil. And, as a human being, and even more so as a follower of Christ - that is just... indescribable and more appalling than words can express. After I finished the documentary I just wanted to post all over Facebook and Twitter, and write a blog propagating this newly realized truth, but that would make me look foolish. I know exactly what people would say of me because I used to say the same thing about people propagating this message. I know exactly what people at work would say, how they would mock, because I've heard them mock others for this very same truth. And then it hit me - I was more fired up about this thing, and wanted to tell people about it so badly, but yet I am not that fired up about telling people the gospel. Yeah, I will teach Sunday School and VBS, and drop a little moral directive into the conversation, but I NEVER tell people the Gospel. I never talk about what Jesus has done for me. I may write it on here, or listen to endless sermons, and nod at church, but I never actually speak to other people about it. The single most important thing in the UNIVERSE, and in my own life, and I don't talk about it. Living with my dad has intimidated me into silence more than ever before. But lately, my mouth has been absolutely closed. And with this documentary, and honestly a piece from Mark Driscoll's latest sermon, I realized what was wrong in my heart:
I am so afraid of appearing foolish.
I am so afraid of offending people.
I am so afraid of being seen in certain unpopular ways.
That is what this constant anxiety has been about. That's why I dread my quiet times and why they are so shallow of late. I am terrified to speak the gospel. I'll talk about unpopular political opinions any day, but when it comes to the gospel my jaw is wrenched shut. The Holy Spirit has been needling me and needling me of late, and I've been playing Solitaire instead of listening. I brush it off as someone else's objective, but its not. It's my mission, and despite the popular misquotation, sharing the gospel is about using words.
I don't know where to go from here. But I think I shall start with working God's goodness into my daily vernacular. I'm so afraid of appearing freakish or annoying or pushy, but hey, at the end of the day those who follow Christ have Truth on their side. I have come to the conclusion that our country is on the down-slide. We have been conned, dumbed down, and conditioned so perfectly that the majority is going to let it happen, so I think I need to step away from all that. It weighs heavily on my soul, too heavily, and I'm not saying I'm going to stop talking politics all together, but where some people make Am-urica into an idol, I have made exposing the American lie an idol, and both ways are sinful.
So, I suppose this is a confession. I confess my idolatry, and I confess my sin by omission - omission of telling people about Jesus. And I resolve to step back and to focus on using my mouth for ministry. The things I want most in the world are the salvations of my dad and my sister. What if I'm standing on my dad's death bed, and never opened my mouth to tell him the gospel? That - in my life - would be the worst sin imaginable.
No comments:
Post a Comment