There are days when the endless stream of engagements and weddings and stupid rom-com commercials really get to me.
This is one of those days.
I've found out a lot about my last relationship in the past six months or so. The thing about that relationship was that I was all in. I would have married him. I was 17 when we started dating, 19 when we broke up. But I really really loved him. And I did it well. After it ended, I have slowly deconstructed it, and the damage it did to me over time. It's part of getting to know yourself - this examination of scars, and that relationship and the circumstances surrounding it left a lot of scars. But time has passed, and I find myself on the precipice. No, really, I'm over the precipice. You know how when you're in college you live carpe diem, but really you're also just waiting for your life to really start? Well, mine has. And I know myself better now.
I'm weird.
I like tea, not coffee.
I look like your average girl, but I love Aerosmith, Star Wars, Tolkien, Batman, and the Backstreet Boys (yes, even to this day, it's a relationship I've maintained since I was 9 ;) haha ).
I have a lot of unfinished books beside my bed.
I'm lazier than I should be.
You'd think I like debates, but I actually get really stressed out by conflict.
I like theology and astronomy.
I am very much an anglo-phile.
I have hermit tendencies.
Things come out of my mouth that I smack myself for later.
I don't know as much as I thought I did.
I have unpopular political views.
I learn best through hearing.
I sing all the time.
I assume the best of people, but prepare for the worst in them.
I'm good at having a few close friends, but I suck at acquaintances.
I don't really like chocolate or candy, but I love to bake cupcakes, especially after midnight.
I have serious issues when it comes to Biblical criticism, but I love Jesus with all my heart.
Sometimes I don't shut up, sometimes I won't speak. Both are ill timed.
I can be very very passionate.
I will open my heart easily if it seems likely to be received.
I love to travel.
I'm a homebody.
I have trust issues. And oftentimes, I feel like something must be wrong with me.
And finally, I really really want to be in love. I don't have to get married anytime soon, but I'm really tired of waiting. Yet, at the same time, I have a tendency to settle, and that terrifies me.
Back to that last relationship - after it ended, I sent up a very earnest prayer. I asked God not to let me date anyone until I dated the man I'm going to marry. I said I couldn't take that kind of pain again, and I couldn't give up anymore of myself to someone who couldn't be trusted with it, so I prayed. I have cursed that prayer so many times since then, but God knows me so much better than I know myself. He knew that it would have crushed me to find out that I had been cheated on so soon after it ended. He knew that the few guys I had crushes on over the years were not right at all. He knew that I didn't need a silly boy, I needed Him. And he knew that He and I needed to work on our relationship over those years with no distractions. Now, I have not been the most faithful companion to my heavenly forever love, but I always come wandering back saying, "Yeah, you were right." But my trust issues remain. But now, mid-summer of my twenty-third year, and I'm in one of those longing moods again. I go through this cycle of being fine with it, enjoying singleness, to wondering what's wrong with me, to really pointing out all my flaws (which I'm good at), to getting really frustrated, to just missing him.
This is one of those nights. I miss him, and I don't even know who he is. But, I know I'm in good hands, but they are not mine. And I have a long way to go in working out a much more important relationship than that with my husbands, and a lot of people have waited a lot longer than I have, but I really miss my husband tonight.
This is one of those days.
I've found out a lot about my last relationship in the past six months or so. The thing about that relationship was that I was all in. I would have married him. I was 17 when we started dating, 19 when we broke up. But I really really loved him. And I did it well. After it ended, I have slowly deconstructed it, and the damage it did to me over time. It's part of getting to know yourself - this examination of scars, and that relationship and the circumstances surrounding it left a lot of scars. But time has passed, and I find myself on the precipice. No, really, I'm over the precipice. You know how when you're in college you live carpe diem, but really you're also just waiting for your life to really start? Well, mine has. And I know myself better now.
I'm weird.
I like tea, not coffee.
I look like your average girl, but I love Aerosmith, Star Wars, Tolkien, Batman, and the Backstreet Boys (yes, even to this day, it's a relationship I've maintained since I was 9 ;) haha ).
I have a lot of unfinished books beside my bed.
I'm lazier than I should be.
You'd think I like debates, but I actually get really stressed out by conflict.
I like theology and astronomy.
I am very much an anglo-phile.
I have hermit tendencies.
Things come out of my mouth that I smack myself for later.
I don't know as much as I thought I did.
I have unpopular political views.
I learn best through hearing.
I sing all the time.
I assume the best of people, but prepare for the worst in them.
I'm good at having a few close friends, but I suck at acquaintances.
I don't really like chocolate or candy, but I love to bake cupcakes, especially after midnight.
I have serious issues when it comes to Biblical criticism, but I love Jesus with all my heart.
Sometimes I don't shut up, sometimes I won't speak. Both are ill timed.
I can be very very passionate.
I will open my heart easily if it seems likely to be received.
I love to travel.
I'm a homebody.
I have trust issues. And oftentimes, I feel like something must be wrong with me.
And finally, I really really want to be in love. I don't have to get married anytime soon, but I'm really tired of waiting. Yet, at the same time, I have a tendency to settle, and that terrifies me.
Back to that last relationship - after it ended, I sent up a very earnest prayer. I asked God not to let me date anyone until I dated the man I'm going to marry. I said I couldn't take that kind of pain again, and I couldn't give up anymore of myself to someone who couldn't be trusted with it, so I prayed. I have cursed that prayer so many times since then, but God knows me so much better than I know myself. He knew that it would have crushed me to find out that I had been cheated on so soon after it ended. He knew that the few guys I had crushes on over the years were not right at all. He knew that I didn't need a silly boy, I needed Him. And he knew that He and I needed to work on our relationship over those years with no distractions. Now, I have not been the most faithful companion to my heavenly forever love, but I always come wandering back saying, "Yeah, you were right." But my trust issues remain. But now, mid-summer of my twenty-third year, and I'm in one of those longing moods again. I go through this cycle of being fine with it, enjoying singleness, to wondering what's wrong with me, to really pointing out all my flaws (which I'm good at), to getting really frustrated, to just missing him.
This is one of those nights. I miss him, and I don't even know who he is. But, I know I'm in good hands, but they are not mine. And I have a long way to go in working out a much more important relationship than that with my husbands, and a lot of people have waited a lot longer than I have, but I really miss my husband tonight.
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