Paradoxes

I picked up my phone about five or six times tonight during my "quiet-devotion-bible-study-whatever-you-wanna-call-it" time because my mind is so overrun with things to take care of at work, at church, at home, and in my heart.  I am at my end lately.  Lots of tears have been shed for just about every little corner of my life and soul as of late.  I am utterly tired.  I am so busy.  I have so many doubts.  I am discouraged and frustrated and pessimistic.  I am too busy to be lonely, but drawn to man I wouldn't marry anyway.  And my mind cannot hold any more water.  In the midst of this,  I'm compelled to flip around in the shiny little paperback that recently arrived at my doorstep in a box with a smile on it.  Those compulsions are lifesavers sometimes.  Just a little inner push to do this, or say that, or hug them.  It's a nudge saying, I'm right here, trust me.  And tonight, it led me to page 72 of The Valley of Vision:  A collection of Puritan Prayers & Devotions.  (I'm a nerd remember ;)

I laughed when I saw the title of the prayer that was predestined for me to read tonight, in this moment at my end.

"Paradoxes"

Ha.

I have always had an intimate relationship with paradoxes.  We are kindred spirits, you see, paradoxes and me.  I am and I am not.  I contradict myself, but I do not.  I am complex, just like this beautiful stinking universe, and so I have always loved paradoxes.  I've always seen them as a little hint in the universe of God saying, You're complicated.  I know.  I'm even more complicated.

And then, of course, I read the prayer.  And it is oh so perfect for me tonight...

O Changeless God,

Under the conviction of thy Spirit I learn that

the more I do, the worse I am

the more I know, the less I know,

the more holiness I have, the more sinful I am,

the more I love, the more there is to love.

O wretched man that I am!

O Lord,

I have a wild heart,

and cannot stand before thee;

I am like a bird before a man.

How little I love thy truth and ways!\

I neglect prayer,

by thinking I have prayed enough and earnestly,

by knowing thou hast saved my soul.

Of all hypocrites, grant that I may no be an evangelical hypocrite,

who sins more safely because grace abounds,

who tells his lusts that Christ's blood cleanseth them,

who reasons that God cannot cast him into hell, for he is saved,

who loves evangelical preaching, churches, Christians, but lives unholily.

My mind is a bucket without a bottom,

with no spiritual understanding,

no desire for the Lord's Day,

ever learning bu never reaching the truth,

always at the gospel-well but never holding water.

My conscience is without conviction or contrition,

with nothing to repent of.

My will is without power of decision or resolution.

My heart is without affection, and full of leaks.

My memory has no retention,

so I forget easily the lessons learned,

and thy truths seep away.

Give me a broken hear that yet carries home the water of grace.

Tomorrow, needs to be a day of prayer, patience  love, holiness, and pausing.  I need to breathe.  I need to be quiet.  I need to be still.  I need to visit my grandparents.  I must to apologize to my 1st period class, and I need to refocus on my purpose - that Christ is all.