I'm teaching World War II tomorrow... in two days... I really do enjoy my job, but the system is absurd. Public Ed = No bueno. There is a girl who graduated from the high school I teach at last year who had cancer. She had it beat, and went off to Texas for her freshman year, but over the Thanksgiving break she found out the cancer has returned with a vengeance and was told that all that can be done is a barrage of surgeries. She has chosen not to treat it.
(right in the middle of writing this I found her blog: http://thelifeandtimesofgrimlizziepapa.blogspot.com/)
For some reason, even though I've never met this girl in my life, her story really struck me now. I've been far from the Lord, as we all know (and as my students can definitely tell), but it really puts things into perspective. I'm terrified of having the most important conversation with my own father. I whine because I don't have a boyfriend, and complain about not having enough time to teach. I get so angry at people's ignorance, and the corruption of government. I get bogged down by biblical criticism, and so angry because my church is in such a dry place right now. But, God is SO much bigger!
I had a much needed conversation with Allie-bug. This is one of those times which are becoming routine in our lives when we are going through the same thematic spiritual growth, but in completely different places and situations. Last time, I was in England and she was at camp in Giddings. This time, I'm home, and she's in California. I miss her so much.
I just realized that a young lady at my church graduates from high school in about six months, and I feel so stupid, because I should have been closer to her for years, but my awkwardness and shyness got in the way of a huge blessing. She is smart, and independent, and strong, and beautiful, and has a big heart that she doesn't show much, and I should have pushed myself into her life way before now. I should have been there for her, gotten coffee with her, told her what little wisdom I've gained in my short life, made myself available to her, and gotten to know her. At least, I should have tried. Instead, awkwardness prevailed. I hate regret.
I really wish I could find a group of Christians in my town that are my age, but I find excuses not to look for them...
I realized that I'm not ok with dying. And that is NOT ok. I have always been very comfortable with my mortality, but for some reason the thought has really scared me lately. Now, I don't think my death is impending or something, but, reading Lizzie's blog exposed something I had been ignoring. To live is gain, but to die is Christ! How sill to be afraid of the next great adventure. Hm. Need to look into that one. Somehow, sometime I've moved away from the Lord.
Also, I think he's leading me to some very uncomfortable moments in my very comfortable life... I think I know what they are, and he knows I'll come around, but I'm not quite ready to just yet. Dumb.
For some reason, this video just reminded me of how beautiful the world really is:
I've been reading The Weight of Glory by Lewis lately, which, as usual, is a perspective changer.
Everybody is searching for something. Something they overheard once, but can't remember. They marvel at beauty, and feel a faint longing for something even more. They are searching for an answer, for reality, and its as if they're feeling their way towards what might be a light. They're knocking at a door in the fog, just waiting for it to be opened. And then, in glory, at the end of our days, the door has been opened, and we get to walk in. We are recognized.
I was teaching (or trying my hardest to at least - sometimes I really feel like a failure, teaching Bible Study for youth) about how we are to be in the world, not of it. It's funny sometimes when you teach you realize just how very little you actually know. I get so bogged down by this world. It's full of evil, hatred, debauchery, ignorance, violation, and pain. And I feel all of that. I try to reason it out, to advocate a just retaliation, but I just keep missing the big picture. It's just all so broken, and I can't fix it. That's my curse. I always try to fix it. It's so dumb! I can't fix it, because it's already been fixed. I just need to stop hammering away.
It's started raining tonight. And it makes me smile, big time. "God is in the rain." It's a special thing he and I have going. He just keeps pounding me over the head with it... "I'm here. I miss you. I adore you. Stop running away and get to know me, silly!" Thought of course, much more eloquently put by plucking at the heartstrings.
"I believe that God only puts us on Earth for a purpose, and once we have done that, we don't have to live here anymore." Find your purpose. I need to keep reminding myself of mine!
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