Anything but Harmonious

So, I joined eHarmony this weekend.  Today, I cancelled it.  In two short days.  I didn't necessarily have a bad experience with the site itself; it was actually kind of fun setting up my profile (I always loved personality quizzes and defining yourself, oddly).  What made me cancel it today is what it did to my heart.  I signed up on a whim, really, but in reality for the last couple of weeks I'm been becoming more and more discontent, and this brought the discontentment out in full bloom.

This is in no way a reflection on why others would go about dating this way (seriously, no judgement!), but what it did in me was crazy destructive!  I felt shame.  I felt like a kid waiting to get picked last for kickball.  I felt like I wasn't trusting God.  I could feel the pull towards it being an obsession.  I was afraid of actually having to meet someone I didn't know.  It felt unnatural.  It made me fixate on guys and the possibility of a guy when that (in that particular way) hasn't been a problem of mine in years.  I felt afraid that I couldn't even trust myself to make wise decisions.  I even felt afraid of things changing, despite how much I long for that next stage.  I felt stupid for feeling so many different, conflicting things.  I could just completely feel my soul twisting, and I felt dirty because of it.  I worried.  And worry simply means that you don't really believe that what God has planned for you is best for you, or that he won't get it right.  And that is the most absurd thing in the world.

It ended in a frantic, almost in tears morning text message to Allie who graciously and perfectly reassured me.  I am valuable regardless of marital status (despite how well-meaning old ladies make me feel).  Getting married and having kids (though I want it desperately) will not fulfill me.  I have a great life, and with or without a man I will still have a great life, and I have kids in my life that I love terribly.  I am not lacking in love no matter what my sin nature tries to convince me.

It's ironic how our post-feminist-revolution and free love world really does nothing to free you from these desires.  Often, it seems our world makes it worse by fueling the idea that someone else can complete you or you can even fulfill yourself or that open legs and drunken nights is the best of life.  But take it back to first principles, take it back to the roots and we can see that those things fade and our desires wane, only God doesn't change.

Grainy brain

So, I've never read a diet book in my life.  Diet books are stupid as fads are stupid. And I'm not reading a diet book now, but I came upon a Dr. Perlmutter whose book  "Grain Brain" has come in my radar and I cannot put it down.

My number one fear in old age is getting Alzheimers, and I worry because I don't have the best memory or general health.  It struck me the other day when i posted on Facebook about being sick (because school just started up) and a friend said "girl, ur always sick".  Several years ago one of the best friends made the same observation with concern.  And I am. I always have been.

I've always felt lousy and had headaches and I get colds all the time. Ive had bad headaches my entire life.  And now I'm reading this book and he has a trustworthy, uncomplicated answer for all of this.  The book is very well researched and explanatory and perfectly contradicts the years of failed low-fat high-carb propaganda that continues as diabetes and heart disease and Alzheimers continues to skyrocket.  The author is not only a neurologist but a nutritionist as well.  Not to mention, it's actually a good read -  I read it instead of my novel in the BATH and I can't put it down!

So, I'm going to finish this book. I'm going to try the few changes he outlines (yes few, this isn't some crazy complicated or intensely restrictive grapefruit thing) and if this works, I will begin to annoy you because I love you.

Simple Liberty - Matt Walsh clippings

So... I found this blog (thanks to the bestie) and I've decided to cut and paste the "Preach Brother!" moments I had with it here.  You can read the full article here, and you should!  I loved every sentence of it.  And then I'll be done with this stupid issue.

This ruling is a limited victory for freedom and sanity, but it doesn’t go nearly far enough... they focused the issue down to the specifics of Hobby Lobby’s particular situation, meaning that other companies, businesses, and corporations will still be subject to Orwellian speech infringements.

When you ask [your boss] to pay for what you do in the bedroom, you are inviting him in. Want him out? Good. Then stop making your birth control into a national headline. Deal with it yourself, privately.

Which is more likely to hurt you in the long run — a dogmatic Jehovah’s Witness business owner, or an unrestrained and power hungry government agency? [this is a] slippery slope that, historically, leads to oppression, murder, bankruptcy, and collapse. The former is just an extreme, limited, and unlikely application of a universal liberty.

The women I know are much deeper than that... [they] possess a pro-life conviction so profound that the very thought of abortion causes them pain and grief... Millions of women in this country would sooner die than march with you... How dare you.

 

...realize that the cost of birth control has actually increased BECAUSE of insurance coverage.

From the Matt Walsh Blog, "Want birth control? Go buy it. Nobody is stopping you."

Simple Liberty

I have been very disturbed and confused today with my news feed.  People who call themselves 'liberals' (I will call them leftists, because liberal means free from oppression in... English) are extremely angry over the Supreme Court's ruling on Hobby Lobby.  This leads to angry posts about feminism and corportations.  I find their objections to be flawed and often quite ignorant. I just find it so hard to understand their perspectives.  I mean, I'm just genuinely confused by the outrage, because it seems like such an obviously liberal ruling to be, and here's why:

1. People fight tooth and nail for the right of a woman to CHOOSE to end the life growing inside her, but they don't believe a business owner has the right to CHOOSE where their money goes.

2.  People vehemently want a corporation to do what THEY believe is right, yet completely ignore the right of that company's owners to believe something different.

3. People lash out against corporations making choices for people and the government allowing them to do that, and yet seem ignorant of the fact the corporations spend more money on lobbyists to Congress every year than I will make in a lifetime.

4. Therefore, they're outraged their 'democratic' government didn't do what they wanted it to do, when quite obviously due to lobbyists and backroom deals their government consistently, practically always, does what benefits bankers and corporations... because that's who pays them. 

5. Liberal means free. That old Constitution thing guarantees freedom of speech, freedom of religion, and freedom of property (among other things). Freedom means not being forced into something. It's an idea based on the Non-Aggression Principle which means that you should not use force on other people unless they first aggress against you. So, to actually believe in freedom means you give people the right to do and think what they want.  That means they are responsible for themselves.  With freedom comes responsibility.  So, we/you must choose responsibly where you work, who you work for, and what you believe, and it's ok if other people make other choices.

Do not use force against other people, even if you wholeheartedly disagree with them. 
Do not harm innocents. 
Be responsible for yourself.

It seems incredibly simple to me.

God is in the rain.

God is in the rain.
This is one of my favorite lines. It comes from the film V for Vendetta.
It's storming tonight, and I just love the rain. I adore thunderstorms. I get excited about gray clouds like most people do about sunny days. It's one of my many quirks (and feel free to psychoanalyze it to death).

I have been incredibly and increasingly stressed out for a number of reasons lately, and for some reason I let stress affect me far too deeply. Then it rains.

In the film, the female protagonist gods through this horrible life-altering experience that leads her to being ready to die. Then,  she learns it was a farce and she steps outside into the rain for the first time and utters that line...
God is in the rain.
It's her baptism. She's a new person. She no longer fears death. She finally sees truth and truly lives. She accepts her broken world and rises above it. And the thing that makes most people sad and dreary brings her joy. The thing that we complain about is necessary for life. So, rain is a warm blanket to my soul.  It reminds me of what I often forget. I am new, though I cling to my chains. I have nothing to fear, though I'm constantly afraid. I am alive and seeking truth, though I often act dead and hide in darkness.  Rain seems dark, but it is life. Topsy-turvy.  God is in the rain.

Messy Hearts

When a heart breaks it don't break even...
What am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're ok?

I found myself asking God why old hurts still hurt.  Its not something you live with everyday. You think you're totally over it. You don't realize you're still carrying it around with you until someone mentions something that triggers a memory.  Then, you remember.  You find your stomach turning and your heart beating.  You can't brush it off; it bothers. And then you get mad at yourself.  Why does it bother? Why does it make you a little sick? Why does your heart hurt? Why does it bring curse words to mind? Why is your heart still heavy after years and years have passed?

Why is it so hard to forgive?
I've tried. I have forgiven. There's so many other people in my life who I've forgiven, who iI even love despite all the hurt.  But there's that one thing that still illicits powerful emotion.
Obviously,  I haven't forgiven. So I try to figure out why. I've tried! I thought I had, but obviously not.

How can you forgive when someone betrayed you completely and repeatedly?
How can you forgive someone who wasn't hurting you because they didn't know better, but who hurt you knowing they had power over you, knowing exactly how to manipulate you, having full knowledge that their actions would rip you apart?
How can you forgive someone who you gave the best of yourself to and they threw it all away as if it was nothing?
How can you forgive someone who has damaged you more than any other person in your life?
How can you forgive someone who you loved completely and purely, yet they humiliated you?
How is forgiveness even fair?

And I can hear God chuckling in response.
Saying, I know exactly how you feel, because you did that to me.
And I smile, because He knows.  It doesn't matter whether or not that person knows how deeply he scarred me. He doesn't define me.  I am not chained to him.
I am free.  I am forgiven.  I am made new. I am known.  I dont have to blame or punish or seek revenge. I am not afraid. I am defined by so much more.  I don't belong to him anymore; I belong to someone who is infinitely better, and who will never hurt me.  I am not searching.  I can forgive, because that deep deep debt gas been paid.

All my future and my hope is with thee,
I stand before Almighty God alone,
I yeild my need to cast the blame or stone,
I've given up my heart is now exposed,
I stand before Almighty God alone.

What do you want to do more than anything else in the world?

One of my students asked me on Friday what I wanted to be/do more than anything else in the world. It was completely random and personal and several things ran through my head before I simply and dishonestly said "I don't know."

My first thought was "curator of the British Museum" because that's my go to answer when people ask what I wanted to be when I grew up.  But, being a jaded adult, I don't want that job now. Then I thought, "I am what I always wanted to be", which is true. I love my job and I can't imagine doing anything else... professionally.  Which was when the real answer came stirring out of my heart - what I want to be more than anything else in the world is the most honorable and worthwhile thing anyone can be: a wife and mother.  That's what I want more than anything else.

Its amusing how God uses the oddest things to expose your.heart.  I'm really struggling with contentment lately, but slowly and surely God is molding and pushing me towards finding my value not in my job or my relationship status, but in my Creator. I am not there yet, but he's illuminating things. Sanctification is what life's about.

"All of a Christian's life should be one of repentence." - Martin Luther

A Scribbled Look at What Goes on in my Brain

People stood up during worship on Sunday.  This is a big deal.  A movement away from legalistic ritual death and toward freedom and life. Led by one old woman and a 30-something young family. May have partially been confusion about what the last song was, but I'll take it!

My deepest desire is to have a husband and babies. I find myself awed by the simplest love. I'm getting better at being content, but it is so hard to trust. We are far too accustomed to being betrayed. (Pv3:5)

Harry Potter showed me the gospel today. Remember the scene in Sorcerer's Stone when Harry first sees Voldemort in the forest feeding on a unicorn? Firenze saves him and says to him, "it is a terrible crime to slay a unicorn. Drinking the blood will keep you alive even if.you are an inch from death, but at a terrible price - for you have slain something so pure that from the moment the blood touches your lips you will have a half-life, a cursed life." And then Harry asks, but who would do such a thing?"  The answer in real life, of course, is all of us. All of us have been a part of the slaying of something so innocent and pure, for God is that innocent and pure. And any little sin is a perversion of that purity.

Have you ever wondered why death hurts so much? I'm starting to think that its because its unnatural. Seems ridiculous, right? But sickness and death surround us. Touch all of us. We have to accept it because it's inevitable. And we do need to know how to suffer well, but what if it wasn't meant to be this way.  What if death is the most unnatural thing in the world? What if we know that deep down, or knew it once upon a time? What if the reason immortality appeals so much in the form of elves and vampires not just because we are greedy, but because we know that it was always supposed to be that way? What if our attraction to Dracula, Lestat, and Edward Cullen is a fallen perversion of a desire to return home? What if elves are actually more natural than we are?

When I Found Myself Loving Listening to Tone-Deaf Guy

Hopefully, this will be just the first of several blogs that are rooted in the Linger Conference.  This weekend was amazing.  The conference was just a time to linger in the presence of God; just be with God, and concentrate on the basic and central things of relationship and  spirituality.  I'm still processing, but this first installment is about a man who can't sing at all.

At one of the sessions, during worship, this loud voice came not-ringing out from behind me.  It startled me, honestly, and distracted me, because this man could not sing.  I mean, really, could. not. sing.  I can sing.  I like singing a lot.  I'm not Adele, but it's very important to me.  I was glad when the crowd drowned this guy out.  He must be totally tone deaf, but he has volume.  He can sort of yell, and can do it loudly.  It's hard to describe, but it was truly honestly bad.  The definition of "joyful noise."  So, I just tried to politely ignore his terrible singing.  Then, the next session came along.

For the last session of the conference, this man sat about four seats to the left of me.  I resigned myself to another session of ignoring him.  So, John Piper preached, and I noticed this guy diligently took notes and was intent on the teaching.  Then, as soon as worship started, he started up again.  He knew every word to every single song.  He caught onto what the song was before hardly anyone else near us.  It struck me as actually impressive how someone so non-musically-inclined could love and know music so well.  Then, I realized how judgmental I was being.  I realized that God enjoys this guy's praise JUST AS MUCH as he enjoys mine; maybe even more.  That man worshiped with more abandon and devotion than anyone.  He was brave enough to sing out even when it was completely unpleasant to everyone around.  I don't think he was being inconsiderate; he was just worshiping God like everyone else there.  Juxtapose that with the worship leader that morning who was doing runs and raising hands and who could sing beautifully, but (and I could be totally wrong here, I can't judge her heart) who seemed to me sort of disingenuous and showy.  I much preferred my tone deaf guy.  His sincere worship and abandon moved me.  God loved it.  Tone-deaf-guy was equal to me.  God saves and loves each of us completely and equally.  There is nothing we can do to fix ourselves.  We can't become better singers to make God happier; he's happy with us just as we are.  Like your little baby who makes you just beam with joy when they smile when they see you, but then who poops all over your favorite shirt.  You adore them anyway; you even love them when they ruin everything around them.

As worship continued, I found myself actually intentionally listening to tone-deaf-guy - actually enjoying him, thanking God for him, loving listening to him.  I was seeking out his voice in the crowd.  He was brave.  He was free.  He was beautiful.  His worship was beautiful.  And it humbled me, and it taught me that grace makes all of those material, momentary, things meaningless, and so we can move through life utterly free.

"I stand before almighty God alone,

I yield my need to cast the blame or stone..." - Song

"For by grace you have been saved through faith.  And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast."  Ephesians 2:8-9

Can't get no satisfaction

I find that people are ridiculous. I desperately want to get married and have babies. There is nothing I want more in this world than to be a mom - no higher calling in my book. I cry because I don't have that; yet, my married-with-babies friends cry because they do.  We are ridiculous. We are fickle creatures.

I am angry with myself for being sad.
I am angry with myself for being so unsatisfied.
I am angry with myself for not living, for waiting.
I am angry with myself for realizing this but not being able to do a darn thing about it.
I am tired of all of tears I've shed because I am constantly not-chosen.
I am tired of the broken record of '6 years' that my heart leaks.
I am tired of being unhappy when I have soooo much to be happy about.
I am tired of overlooking blessings because I thought I would have different ones by now.
I am disappointed that I have so much to satisfy, yet that I have so little satisfaction.

"We are half hearted creatures fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he can't imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased." C.S. Lewis