So, I joined eHarmony this weekend. Today, I cancelled it. In two short days. I didn't necessarily have a bad experience with the site itself; it was actually kind of fun setting up my profile (I always loved personality quizzes and defining yourself, oddly). What made me cancel it today is what it did to my heart. I signed up on a whim, really, but in reality for the last couple of weeks I'm been becoming more and more discontent, and this brought the discontentment out in full bloom.
This is in no way a reflection on why others would go about dating this way (seriously, no judgement!), but what it did in me was crazy destructive! I felt shame. I felt like a kid waiting to get picked last for kickball. I felt like I wasn't trusting God. I could feel the pull towards it being an obsession. I was afraid of actually having to meet someone I didn't know. It felt unnatural. It made me fixate on guys and the possibility of a guy when that (in that particular way) hasn't been a problem of mine in years. I felt afraid that I couldn't even trust myself to make wise decisions. I even felt afraid of things changing, despite how much I long for that next stage. I felt stupid for feeling so many different, conflicting things. I could just completely feel my soul twisting, and I felt dirty because of it. I worried. And worry simply means that you don't really believe that what God has planned for you is best for you, or that he won't get it right. And that is the most absurd thing in the world.
It ended in a frantic, almost in tears morning text message to Allie who graciously and perfectly reassured me. I am valuable regardless of marital status (despite how well-meaning old ladies make me feel). Getting married and having kids (though I want it desperately) will not fulfill me. I have a great life, and with or without a man I will still have a great life, and I have kids in my life that I love terribly. I am not lacking in love no matter what my sin nature tries to convince me.
It's ironic how our post-feminist-revolution and free love world really does nothing to free you from these desires. Often, it seems our world makes it worse by fueling the idea that someone else can complete you or you can even fulfill yourself or that open legs and drunken nights is the best of life. But take it back to first principles, take it back to the roots and we can see that those things fade and our desires wane, only God doesn't change.
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