The Infinite and the Finite

From the Valley of Vision, another Puritan prayer that speaks to the soul :)

Thou great I AM,

Fill my mind with elevation and grandeur at the thought of a Being

with whom one day is a thousand years, and a thousand years as one day,

A mighty God, who, amidst the lapse of worlds,

and the revolutions of empires, 

feels no variableness,

but is glorious in immortality.

May I rejoice that, while men die, the Lord lives;

that, while all creatures are broken reeds,

empty cisterns, fading flowers, withering grass,

he is the Rock of Ages, the Fountain of living waters.

Turn my heart from vanity,

from dissatisfactions,

from uncertainties of the present state,

to an eternal interest in Christ.

Let me remember that life is short and unforeseen,

and is only an opportunity for usefulness;

Give me a holy avarice to redeem the time,

to awake at every call to charity and piety,

so that I may feed the hungry,

clothe the naked, 

instruct the ignorant,

reclaim the vicious,

forgive the offender,

diffuse the gospel,

show neighborly love to all.

Let me live a life of self-distrust,

dependence on You,

mortification,

crucifixion,

prayer.

Vulnerable

This one's serial.  Like watching the news ticker of my brain/life at the moment:

 

I'm teaching World War II tomorrow... in two days... I really do enjoy my job, but the system is absurd.  Public Ed = No bueno.  

There is a  girl who graduated from the high school I teach at last year who had cancer.  She had it beat, and went off to Texas for her freshman year, but over the Thanksgiving break she found out the cancer has returned with a vengeance  and was told that all that can be done is a barrage of surgeries.  She has chosen not to treat it.
(right in the middle of writing this I found her blog:  http://thelifeandtimesofgrimlizziepapa.blogspot.com/)
For some reason, even though I've never met this girl in my life, her story really struck me now.  I've been far from the Lord, as we all know (and as my students can definitely tell), but it really puts things into perspective.  I'm terrified of having the most important conversation with my own father.  I whine because I don't have a boyfriend, and complain about not having enough time to teach.  I get so angry at people's ignorance, and the corruption of government.  I get bogged down by biblical criticism, and so angry because my church is in such a dry place right now.  But, God is SO much bigger!  

I had a much needed conversation with Allie-bug.  This is one of those times which are becoming routine in our lives when we are going through the same thematic spiritual growth, but in completely different places and situations.  Last time, I was in England and she was at camp in Giddings.  This time, I'm home, and she's in California.  I miss her so much.

I just realized that a young lady at my church graduates from high school in about six months, and I feel so stupid, because I should have been closer to her for years, but my awkwardness and shyness got in the way of a huge blessing.  She is smart, and independent, and strong, and beautiful, and has a big heart that she doesn't show much, and I should have pushed myself into her life way before now.  I should have been there for her, gotten coffee with her, told her what little wisdom I've gained in my short life, made myself available to her, and gotten to know her.  At least, I should have tried.  Instead, awkwardness prevailed.  I hate regret.

I really wish I could find a group of Christians in my town that are my age, but I find excuses not to look for them...

I realized that I'm not ok with dying.  And that is NOT ok.   I have always been very comfortable with my mortality, but for some reason the thought has really scared me lately.  Now, I don't think my death is impending or something, but, reading Lizzie's blog exposed something I had been ignoring.  To live is gain, but to die is Christ!  How sill to be afraid of the next great adventure.  Hm.  Need to look into that one. Somehow, sometime I've moved away from the Lord.
Also, I think he's leading me to some very uncomfortable moments in my very comfortable life... I think I know what they are, and he knows I'll come around, but I'm not quite ready to just yet.  Dumb.

For some reason, this video just reminded me of how beautiful the world really is:

http://www.youtube.com/embed/0VqTwnAuHws

I've been reading The Weight of Glory by Lewis lately, which, as usual, is a perspective changer.
Everybody is searching for something.  Something they overheard once, but can't remember.  They marvel at beauty, and feel a faint longing for something even more.  They are searching for an answer, for reality, and its as if they're feeling their way towards what might be a light.  They're knocking at a door in the fog, just waiting for it to be opened.  And then, in glory, at the end of our days, the door has been opened, and we get to walk in.  We are recognized.

I was teaching (or trying my hardest to at least - sometimes I really feel like a failure, teaching Bible Study for youth) about how we are to be in the world, not of it.  It's funny sometimes when you teach you realize just how very little you actually know.  I get so bogged down by this world.  It's full of evil, hatred, debauchery, ignorance, violation, and pain.  And I feel all of that.  I try to reason it out, to advocate a just retaliation, but I just keep missing the big picture.  It's just all so broken, and I can't fix it.  That's my curse.  I always try to fix it.  It's so dumb!  I can't fix it, because it's already been fixed.  I just need to stop hammering away.

It's started raining tonight.  And it makes me smile, big time.  "God is in the rain."  It's a special thing he and I have going.  He just keeps pounding me over the head with it... "I'm here. I miss you.  I adore you.  Stop running away and get to know me, silly!"  Thought of course, much more eloquently put by plucking at the heartstrings.


"I believe that God only puts us on Earth for a purpose, and once we have done that, we don't have to live here anymore."  Find your purpose.  I need to keep reminding myself of mine!

 

Thankful - November 2012

30. I'm thankful for the holiday season. Even though its bloody stressful, there's nothing like Advent to lift a spirit!

29.  I'm thankful for occasional simplicity.

28. I'm thankful for my grandparents.  There's nothing better than growing up with the love of grandparents surrounding you, teaching you, spoiling you, and cherishing you.

27.  I'm thankful for books - the worlds they open, the way they smell, how they make you feel, and their honesty in just existing, their permanence shouting to the world that things don't always have to change.  They grow old over time, just like us, but they remind us that the world doesn't have to go by so fast.

26.  I'm thankful for second chances.  God never gives up, never lets go, and always wants you back, no matter how you feel about him.

25.  I'm thankful for realizing what true love is, and for the gift of having been able to feel it in my life.

24.  I'm thankful for old world tobacconists with cool shops, old furniture, night air, and restored builings.  Oh yeah, and bon fires. :D

23.  I'm thankful for the holiday spirit!  

22. (yeah...happened again) Today, I'm thankful for feasting - the blessing it is to be able to feast, and the fun and family it brings.  Also, it reminds me that I really enjoy being a part of American culture :D

21. I'm thankful for Tolkien, and the beautiful picture of reality that he painted through wonderful fantasy.

20.  I'm thankful for tonight, spent playing 42 with one of my other mother's, Blythe, and Miranda, laughing til it hurts, and making good food with good friends.

19. Thankful that teachers get plenty of holidays. :S

18.  I'm thankful for Ren Fest - the nerds, the music, the smells, the enjoyment, and being able to dress up and still being the cool kid.

17. I'm thankful for old houses, the changes that happen in my early 20's, and the relationships that lead to spending an hour scrubbing oil into a wood floor, and enjoying every second of it.

16. Thankful for kittens, and how warm and fuzzy they make me feel. :)

15. (oops... got FAR behind!)  I'm thankful for days like today when I remember why I love my job, and when I feel like I've actually done well at it!

14. I'm thankful for Anna C, who knows just how to make me laugh when situations are dark, who is my oldest friend, who sees through me, who understands my creative need to write, and who loves me fiercely and always will.  It's returned.

13.  I'm thankful for Miranda, who has understood me since we were kids, who challenges me, who helps me exercise my mind, who is always there to listen, and who thoroughly gets my nerdy and southern side.  We honestly would not be the people we are without each other.z

12.  I'm thankful for Allie B , who will always be one of my persons, who encourages me in the Lord, who understands my crazy and loves me anyway, and who I cannot image life without.

11.  I'm thankful for nights of the arts, good food, good wine, feeling beautiful, running in the rain through a city, and a road trip full of talking.

10.  I'm thankful for a wonderful mother, who, at this point in life, is also a best friend.

9.  I'm thankful for a few extremely close friends.  There's nothing so precious as friends you've known since your formative years who truly know you inside and out.  The kind of friends who you don't have to speak in complete sentences  with, and who know that all you need is to be distracted or allowed to cry.  And who no matter how long you're apart, you still love each other totally and can pick up right where you left off.

8. "WEAVERS were the photojournalists of the day." (Eddie Izzard) Thankful for comedy and the ability to laugh, today. 

7.  Thankful for a church family who I dearly love, and who dearly love me.  They may be flawed, but they are wise with years and take care of their own, and they make me smile.

6. I'm thankful for the freedom given by Christ alone.  
"For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery."  - Galatians 5:1

5. Remember, remember... I'm thankful for people who speak out against tyranny and evil, even if it makes them look crazy.

4.  I'm thankful for a life full of scents! - burning wood in fall, fresh cut grass in summer, a baby's hair, bonfire on your clothes after Roper's birthday, lavender, an old church, basil and garlic cooking, coffee in the morning, and spring coming just to name a few.

3.  I'm thankful for Saturday mornings watching good stories with my best friend, my Mom.

2.  I'm thankful for days like today when my kids get really excited about history, and when I can open their minds a little wider in the process.

1.  I'm thankful my Dad likes it when I get home because my parents and I enjoy hanging out with each other.

Paradoxes

I picked up my phone about five or six times tonight during my "quiet-devotion-bible-study-whatever-you-wanna-call-it" time because my mind is so overrun with things to take care of at work, at church, at home, and in my heart.  I am at my end lately.  Lots of tears have been shed for just about every little corner of my life and soul as of late.  I am utterly tired.  I am so busy.  I have so many doubts.  I am discouraged and frustrated and pessimistic.  I am too busy to be lonely, but drawn to man I wouldn't marry anyway.  And my mind cannot hold any more water.  In the midst of this,  I'm compelled to flip around in the shiny little paperback that recently arrived at my doorstep in a box with a smile on it.  Those compulsions are lifesavers sometimes.  Just a little inner push to do this, or say that, or hug them.  It's a nudge saying, I'm right here, trust me.  And tonight, it led me to page 72 of The Valley of Vision:  A collection of Puritan Prayers & Devotions.  (I'm a nerd remember ;)

I laughed when I saw the title of the prayer that was predestined for me to read tonight, in this moment at my end.

"Paradoxes"

Ha.

I have always had an intimate relationship with paradoxes.  We are kindred spirits, you see, paradoxes and me.  I am and I am not.  I contradict myself, but I do not.  I am complex, just like this beautiful stinking universe, and so I have always loved paradoxes.  I've always seen them as a little hint in the universe of God saying, You're complicated.  I know.  I'm even more complicated.

And then, of course, I read the prayer.  And it is oh so perfect for me tonight...

O Changeless God,

Under the conviction of thy Spirit I learn that

the more I do, the worse I am

the more I know, the less I know,

the more holiness I have, the more sinful I am,

the more I love, the more there is to love.

O wretched man that I am!

O Lord,

I have a wild heart,

and cannot stand before thee;

I am like a bird before a man.

How little I love thy truth and ways!\

I neglect prayer,

by thinking I have prayed enough and earnestly,

by knowing thou hast saved my soul.

Of all hypocrites, grant that I may no be an evangelical hypocrite,

who sins more safely because grace abounds,

who tells his lusts that Christ's blood cleanseth them,

who reasons that God cannot cast him into hell, for he is saved,

who loves evangelical preaching, churches, Christians, but lives unholily.

My mind is a bucket without a bottom,

with no spiritual understanding,

no desire for the Lord's Day,

ever learning bu never reaching the truth,

always at the gospel-well but never holding water.

My conscience is without conviction or contrition,

with nothing to repent of.

My will is without power of decision or resolution.

My heart is without affection, and full of leaks.

My memory has no retention,

so I forget easily the lessons learned,

and thy truths seep away.

Give me a broken hear that yet carries home the water of grace.

Tomorrow, needs to be a day of prayer, patience  love, holiness, and pausing.  I need to breathe.  I need to be quiet.  I need to be still.  I need to visit my grandparents.  I must to apologize to my 1st period class, and I need to refocus on my purpose - that Christ is all.