Enough & Exceptions - To the Man Who Walked Away

To the man who walked away:

You had me. I was in. I said this out loud today which made it real - I would have given you everything. Truly, you could have had every part of me - parts that I have never shown anyone; parts that no other guy has even gotten a glimpse of, but you walked away.  I was in. I was done. I felt like I was home. We weren't perfect. Love is hard, marriage is hard, and there was work to be done, but I didn't care and I wasn't scared because I was there. I loved you.

I am a deep person (it super sucks sometimes btw), and once I let my heart open, people stick. Men, family, friends, kids. I know what true love is, see, I've made a study of it throughout my life (cause i actually do think about this kind of stuff allll the time, lol). From loving and forgiving in my own relationships. To loving a little boy so completely, he might as well be my own. To holding the pieces of my heart together through grief. To having relationships that have lasted decades. I've seen what a mother will put herself through in love of a son. I've seen what the Creator of the universe will do for his own. I have been broken before. I have loved. I know what that means. I know what it is to love a man who doesn't love me; I've had practice at that too. I know. And so I know I loved you. And that's ok. There's nothing wrong with loving, I've had to learn that recently. And it's ok that you didn't love me. It hurts like hell, but that's because it was real, and pain shows you what good feels like. There's nothing wrong with not feeling a certain way, but you gave so much up when you walked away, I don't think you even realize it - if you had just reciprocated, you would have had me, all of me, for the rest of our lives.

I understand. It hurts, and I whine and get pathetic, but I do get it. You didn't love me. You just weren't that into me after all that time. You got scared. You needed something I wasn't giving out just yet. You just didn't want me anymore. We were in a rut. It got a little predictable. Whatever the cause, it wasn't enough, so you walked. That's ok. It's honorable really, to be brave enough to bow out instead of dragging me along letting my heart get even more twisted. But I look at you now, and I don't think you realize what you had. You shut down, so I started to, and I didn't put words to what I was feeling, but oh, the feelings were there. And they don't fade easy. I see you with a new girl, and you seem happy, and she looks great (which is really annoying btw, but I'm glad to be in the same class you could say), but will this one last when all the others haven't? Will she be your exception?

What do you want? What are you scared of? Aren't you exhausted yet? I'm exhausted and I haven't done this near as much as you. What are you missing? What are you looking for? I'm afraid that if you can't figure that out by now, you never will. And that is truly a tragedy.

I'll be ok. Eventually my heart will fully let go. Eventually I won't hope, and my heart won't race when I see you, and I won't long to accidentally touch you, or (like his week) wish you'd just hold me because i feel sickly. I'll be fine. I'm a strong girl; I'm resilient. I've healed before. And maybe someday, I'll be someone's exception. I don't want to settle. I don't want someone to whom I'm a fall back or second choice. I am so tired of being everyone's second choice. Maybe one day, I'll meet him. You changed me. I grew. I appreciate it all. I wish you could have realized the life that was before you. Even now I look at the things we do independently and think 'man, we would be awesome as a pair', but obviously not. I hope you do forge a good life before it's too late. I hope you'll be fulfilled. I hope you find her (maybe you have). I hope you realize how satisfying God and family can truly be.

But regardless, I'm worth loving. I may not believe that all the time, because that's what guys and society tells me, though subconsciously - I'm not enough, I'm unlovable. But I know that I'm not, and that I am. I am worthy because He loves me. And that, though this hurts still no matter how frustrated I am at myself for not being 100% over it, is truly enough.