Confession & Resolution

I have been consistantly anxious the past few weeks.  Just unsatisfied, and running from something, wanting to scream.  I'm figuring out what that is.  See, I'm fairly good at being an apologist for libertarianism and political stuff like that.  For example, I watched a documentary today that really fired me up.  It made me much more depressed because I realized a lot of my suspicions and what people close to me have told me was proven right, and what they were right about is... horrendous.  It's unspeakable evil.  And, as a human being, and even more so as a follower of Christ - that is just... indescribable and more appalling than words can express.  After I finished the documentary I just wanted to post all over Facebook and Twitter, and write a blog propagating this newly realized truth, but that would make me look foolish.  I know exactly what  people would say of me because I used to say the same thing about people propagating this message.  I know exactly what people at work would say, how they would mock, because I've heard them mock others for this very same truth.  And then it hit me - I was more fired up about this thing, and wanted to tell people about it so badly, but yet I am not that fired up about telling people the gospel.  Yeah, I will teach Sunday School and VBS, and drop a little moral directive into the conversation, but I NEVER tell people the Gospel.  I never talk about what Jesus has done for me.  I may write it on here, or listen to endless sermons, and nod at church, but I never actually speak to other people about it.  The single most important thing in the UNIVERSE, and in my own life, and I don't talk about it.  Living with my dad has intimidated me into silence more than ever before.  But lately, my mouth has been absolutely closed.  And with this documentary, and honestly a piece from Mark Driscoll's latest sermon, I realized what was wrong in my heart:

I am so afraid of appearing foolish.
I am so afraid of offending people.
I am so afraid of being seen in certain unpopular ways.

That is what this constant anxiety has been about.  That's why I dread my quiet times and why they are so shallow of late.  I am terrified to speak the gospel.  I'll talk about unpopular political opinions any day, but when it comes to the gospel my jaw is wrenched shut.   The Holy Spirit has been needling me and needling me of late, and I've been playing Solitaire instead of listening.  I brush it off as someone else's objective, but its not.  It's my mission, and despite the popular misquotation, sharing the gospel is about using words.

I don't know where to go from here.  But I think I shall start with working God's goodness into my daily vernacular.  I'm so afraid of appearing freakish or annoying or pushy, but hey, at the end of the day those who follow Christ have Truth on their side. I have come to the conclusion that our country is on the down-slide.  We have been conned, dumbed down, and conditioned so perfectly that the majority is going to let it happen, so I think I need to step away from all that.  It weighs heavily on my soul, too heavily, and I'm not saying I'm going to stop talking politics all together, but where some people make Am-urica into an idol, I have made exposing the American lie an idol, and both ways are sinful.

So, I suppose this is a confession.  I confess my idolatry, and I confess my sin by omission - omission of telling people about Jesus.  And I resolve to step back and to focus on using my mouth for ministry.  The things I want most in the world are the salvations of my dad and my sister.  What if I'm standing on my dad's death bed, and never opened my mouth to tell him the gospel?  That - in my life - would be the worst sin imaginable.

To Whom it May Concern

There are days when the endless stream of engagements and weddings and stupid rom-com commercials really get to me.
This is one of those days.

I've found out a lot about my last relationship in the past six months or so.  The thing about that relationship was that I was all in.  I would have married him.  I was 17 when we started dating, 19 when we broke up.  But I really really loved him.  And I did it well.  After it ended, I have slowly deconstructed it, and the damage it did to me over time.  It's part of getting to know yourself - this examination of scars, and that relationship and the circumstances surrounding it left a lot of scars.  But time has passed, and I find myself on the precipice.  No, really, I'm over the precipice.  You know how when you're in college you live carpe diem, but really you're also just waiting for your life to really start?  Well, mine has.  And I know myself better now.

I'm weird.
I like tea, not coffee.
I look like your average girl, but I love Aerosmith, Star Wars, Tolkien, Batman, and the Backstreet Boys (yes, even to this day, it's a relationship I've maintained since I was 9 ;) haha ).
I have a lot of unfinished books beside my bed.
I'm lazier than I should be.
You'd think I like debates, but I actually get really stressed out by conflict.
I like theology and astronomy.
I am very much an anglo-phile.
I have hermit tendencies.
Things come out of my mouth that I smack myself for later.
I don't know as much as I thought I did.
I have unpopular political views.
I learn best through hearing.
I sing all the time.
I assume the best of people, but prepare for the worst in them.
I'm good at having a few close friends, but I suck at acquaintances.
I don't really like chocolate or candy, but I love to bake cupcakes, especially after midnight.
I have serious issues when it comes to Biblical criticism, but I love Jesus with all my heart.
Sometimes I don't shut up, sometimes I won't speak.  Both are ill timed.
I can be very very passionate.
I will open my heart easily if it seems likely to be received.
I love to travel.
I'm a homebody.
I have trust issues.  And oftentimes, I feel like something must be wrong with me.

And finally, I really really want to be in love.  I don't have to get married anytime soon, but I'm really tired of waiting.  Yet, at the same time, I have a tendency to settle, and that terrifies me.

Back to that last relationship - after it ended, I sent up a very earnest prayer.  I asked God not to let me date anyone until I dated the man I'm going to marry.  I said I couldn't take that kind of pain again, and I couldn't give up anymore of myself to someone who couldn't be trusted with it, so I prayed.  I have cursed that prayer so many times since then, but God knows me so much better than I know myself.  He knew that it would have crushed me to find out that I had been cheated on so soon after it ended.  He knew that the few guys I had crushes on over the years were not right at all.  He knew that I didn't need a silly boy, I needed Him.  And he knew that He and I needed to work on our relationship over those years with no distractions.  Now, I have not been the most faithful companion to my heavenly forever love, but I always come wandering back saying, "Yeah, you were right."  But my trust issues remain.  But now, mid-summer of my twenty-third year, and I'm in one of those longing moods again.  I go through this cycle of being fine with it, enjoying singleness, to wondering what's wrong with me, to really pointing out all my flaws (which I'm good at), to getting really frustrated, to just missing him.

This is one of those nights.  I miss him, and I don't even know who he is.  But, I know I'm in good hands, but they are not mine.  And I have a long way to go in working out a much more important relationship than that with my husbands, and a lot of people have waited a lot longer than I have, but I really miss my husband tonight.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AxGzWlNZfk4