Shieldmaiden

"What do you fear, lady?" Aragorn asked.
"A cage," Eowyn said, "to stay behind bars, until use and old age accept them, and all chance of doing great deeds is gone beyond recall or desire."


I have always loved fairytales.  One of my favorite CS Lewis quotes is...

"Someday you'll be old enough to start reading fairy tales again."

I think that time has come.  Princesses and elves and all that teaches us, as women, not that we are damsels in distress that are helpless and whiny and powerless, but that we are valued, that we literally bear inside of us the imago dei (image of God), and that we deserve to be protected and honored.  Our power doesn't come from physical strength, but from our unique participation in God's creation and love.

I always really thought I identified more with Arwen and Galadriel in Lord of the Rings than the other female characters.  The elven princess and queen, who are more super-natural than they are earthly.  I've always felt... different.  It was always hard for me to fit in and I wanted those powers and that grace - it still is in some ways hard for me to fit in, but I realized today that I actually feel more connected to Eowyn, Shieldmaiden of Rohan.

In Eowyn, Tolkien creates the epitome of the Celtic woman.  She can lead a nation through the greatest peril.  She longs to do great deeds be they simple acts of kindness or incredible triumphs.  She can fight and slay the king of demons and dragons.  She can care for the dying, and bear the grief of the loss of those closest to her. She falls in love with a good man, the greatest of kings, but bears losing him.  She never is cruel or hateful towards men; she respects herself and them too much for that.  She finds a man who is as broken as she is, and though they come together late in the epic story, they love each other until the end of their days.

At the end of it all, in her greatest moment, Eowyn does not deny who she is -

"No living man my hinder me!" [said the witchking]
"No living man am I!  You look upon a woman.  Eowyn I am, Eomund's daughter.  You stand between me and my lord and kin. Begone, if you be not deathless!  For living or dark undead, I will smite you if you touch him."

She doesn't try to be a man.  She doesn't harshen herself or androgynize herself.  She rips the helmet that was disguising her off and lets her long hair fall, and she proclaims who she is.  She doesn't deny herself or where she comes from, but she still has the biggest kill on Pelenor Fields that day.  She is a great lady, that when the war is over makes a home.

We live in strange times.  The best of times and the worst.  We are invited to forget our heritage and who God made us to be, and to become something all together other.  We are invited into loose morals and told its the better way.  We are pitted race against race, and taught to feel guilty regardless.  We are taught to be illogical, and to deny the reasonableness of faith and God.  We are told to be liberal, free, all the while the chains tighten more and more around us blinding us to the truth that what is offered is not freedom, but slavery.  We are taught to ignore the signs that something far greater is going on, and to pay attention to the petty squabbles of materialism and fake politics.  We are convinced to deny what we were created to be while we embrace our sin nature.  We forget how honorable it should be to be a woman.

Overture to a Better Day

I am over feminism.
I am over statism.
I am over ignorant anti-religion rants.
I am over supporting Christ deniers and their war criminal state.
I am over longings for the Bush Era.
I am over the Obama hate and blame.
I am over the rolled eyes and 'conspiracy theorist' bashing.
I am over Wendy Davis.
I am over hateful speech being ok because it's election season.
I am over it being ok to slaughter innocents, yet whining about protecting wants as rights.
I am over ignoring that people in desert countries might just be innocents too.
I am over voting because you think it matters.
I am over hoping for the best in a broken system.
I am over climate change.
I am over military worship.
I am over Monsanto.
I am over misunderstandings of sexuality.
I am over sex as the most important part of life.
I am over consumerism.
I am over manipulated androgyny.
I am over waiting for a version of Benedict Cumberbatch or Brad Pitt to complete me.

I am confused and grieved.
I am deflated and burdened.
I feel almost completely alone is seeing the world as it truly is.
I'm afraid of what else I will be able to see in the future.

But,  I'm reminded there is hope because it was never meant to be this way. There is hope because reason, faith,  and promise say that there will come a better day.

Then they came for me...

I've had an interesting train of thought tonight (im in one of those moods). I was thinking about the City of Houston getting subpoenas for pastors sermons and it fit perfectly with something I heard on a podcast the other day:

http://kfor.com/2014/10/17/houston-files-subpoenas-for-documents-from-pastors/
http:// www.noagendashow.com
and on The Porch podcast as well.

We have this idea that government's job is to do what's best for society. Duh, right? I mean the president is constantly saying his number 1 priority is the security/safety of America, which is sort of the same thing. But we have forgotten something.  That's not the point of government at all.

The point and purpose of government is to protect the natural rights of the people.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.--That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, 

Yet, we allow government to overstep. 

This whole Houston thing reminded me of a quote from Martin Niemoller, a Protestant pastor living in Nazi Germany.  He said:

"First they came for the Socialists, and I did not speak out—

Because I was not a Socialist.

Then they came for the Trade Unionists, and I did not speak out—

Because I was not a Trade Unionist.

Then they came for the Jews, and I did not speak out—

Because I was not a Jew.

Then they came for me—and there was no one left to speak for me."

The Nazis took power and stripped rights through taxes, good arguments, legally, faking disasters and threats, and most importantly incrementally. Jews weren't really being rounded up and sent to the infamous camps until the early 1940s, and Hitler came to power in 1933. He brought change and made life better and gave the people what they had been dreaming of! History rhymes, and we ought to know better.

This Houston case is targeting one opposing group through questioning their tax exempt status and their political activities.  Calling for sermons is being changed and is a detail in a greater problem. You see, they shouldn't even think they have any legal cause or a bit of a right to be restricting public speech or activity about political expression.  Every one is suddenly up in arms, and for good reason, but this is really all everyone has been asking for, how are you so shocked that such a thing could happen?

We can't have a double standard.  Rule of law is for all.  Because it's about gay marriage, it must be restricted.  But when government officials want a say or their hands on what we say in church, how dare they restrict!  Either they can regulate society, or they can protect basic liberties. The more you let those with power have unrestricted power, the more you want them to use that power (birth control, healthcare, hate speech), the more you invite them into your church or work or bedroom, the more they will corrupt and abuse.  This happened because we have been asking for it to happen.

We must ask ourselves, if we do the same thing over and over again and expect a different result, is that not insanity?  So Bush/Clinton/Obama/Perry/Davis whatever.  When will you see that it doesn't matter?  When will you realize that they will eventually come for you, and there will be no one there to speak up for you. 

Blue Pill

I've often struggled with verses like Romans 13 and 1 Peter 2:17. They're hsrd for me to smallow. I've seen too much injustice and untrustworthy behavior to encourage liyalty, yet scripture says to obey these institutions because they are put in place by God and because we want to have good reputations so that people will trust what we say.  But on the other hand, Rome (where Christianity arises) was a pit of sin and debauchery, even worse than what people scream about today. Yet that is the emperor that is referenced in the gospel?! That's also the government that Paul and the rest of the apostles stood up to and got thrown in jail by. It was a Roman official who committed the greatest injustice of all time, crucifying Jesus. So how do these things reconcile?

John Piper actually has a really good sermon on this:
http://www.desiringgod.org/sermons/subjection-to-god-and-subjection-to-the-state-part-1

But one line from this article struck me:
"civil disobedience is justified only when government compels us to sin, or when there is no legal recourse for fighting injustice "

http://m.gty.org/resources/articles/A120/can-christians-participate-in-civil-disobedience

No legal recourse for fighting injustice.

When officials commit crimes and keep their jobs, when they poison and lie and remain in office, when the rule of law only applies to me and you, not them, when they steal in even cleverer ways and are barely (if at all) investigated, when they kill without trial, when they twist and reduce and presume to decide what is a natural right, when they murder and get rich, there is no legal recourse for fighting injustice.

Your vote for preselected choice A or preselected choice B is amusing because you're foolish enough to think that it matters, or that they didn't choose for you.
[See YouTube clip about sweaters and apply circa Meryl Streep - "Pile Of Stuff": http://youtu.be/kzu-RgorcSo ]

So, when will it be enough? When will we really see the lies? I'm tired of the gubernatorial elections by far, and I'm dreading 2016 (Hillary 2016 y'all!  gonna be on the winning side for once! #sarcasm), and as long as we remain blind, the question is are we really just getting what we deserve?  Red pill or blue pill?

#endstoicrant #sorryabouttherandomculturalreferences

Anything but Harmonious

So, I joined eHarmony this weekend.  Today, I cancelled it.  In two short days.  I didn't necessarily have a bad experience with the site itself; it was actually kind of fun setting up my profile (I always loved personality quizzes and defining yourself, oddly).  What made me cancel it today is what it did to my heart.  I signed up on a whim, really, but in reality for the last couple of weeks I'm been becoming more and more discontent, and this brought the discontentment out in full bloom.

This is in no way a reflection on why others would go about dating this way (seriously, no judgement!), but what it did in me was crazy destructive!  I felt shame.  I felt like a kid waiting to get picked last for kickball.  I felt like I wasn't trusting God.  I could feel the pull towards it being an obsession.  I was afraid of actually having to meet someone I didn't know.  It felt unnatural.  It made me fixate on guys and the possibility of a guy when that (in that particular way) hasn't been a problem of mine in years.  I felt afraid that I couldn't even trust myself to make wise decisions.  I even felt afraid of things changing, despite how much I long for that next stage.  I felt stupid for feeling so many different, conflicting things.  I could just completely feel my soul twisting, and I felt dirty because of it.  I worried.  And worry simply means that you don't really believe that what God has planned for you is best for you, or that he won't get it right.  And that is the most absurd thing in the world.

It ended in a frantic, almost in tears morning text message to Allie who graciously and perfectly reassured me.  I am valuable regardless of marital status (despite how well-meaning old ladies make me feel).  Getting married and having kids (though I want it desperately) will not fulfill me.  I have a great life, and with or without a man I will still have a great life, and I have kids in my life that I love terribly.  I am not lacking in love no matter what my sin nature tries to convince me.

It's ironic how our post-feminist-revolution and free love world really does nothing to free you from these desires.  Often, it seems our world makes it worse by fueling the idea that someone else can complete you or you can even fulfill yourself or that open legs and drunken nights is the best of life.  But take it back to first principles, take it back to the roots and we can see that those things fade and our desires wane, only God doesn't change.

Grainy brain

So, I've never read a diet book in my life.  Diet books are stupid as fads are stupid. And I'm not reading a diet book now, but I came upon a Dr. Perlmutter whose book  "Grain Brain" has come in my radar and I cannot put it down.

My number one fear in old age is getting Alzheimers, and I worry because I don't have the best memory or general health.  It struck me the other day when i posted on Facebook about being sick (because school just started up) and a friend said "girl, ur always sick".  Several years ago one of the best friends made the same observation with concern.  And I am. I always have been.

I've always felt lousy and had headaches and I get colds all the time. Ive had bad headaches my entire life.  And now I'm reading this book and he has a trustworthy, uncomplicated answer for all of this.  The book is very well researched and explanatory and perfectly contradicts the years of failed low-fat high-carb propaganda that continues as diabetes and heart disease and Alzheimers continues to skyrocket.  The author is not only a neurologist but a nutritionist as well.  Not to mention, it's actually a good read -  I read it instead of my novel in the BATH and I can't put it down!

So, I'm going to finish this book. I'm going to try the few changes he outlines (yes few, this isn't some crazy complicated or intensely restrictive grapefruit thing) and if this works, I will begin to annoy you because I love you.

Simple Liberty - Matt Walsh clippings

So... I found this blog (thanks to the bestie) and I've decided to cut and paste the "Preach Brother!" moments I had with it here.  You can read the full article here, and you should!  I loved every sentence of it.  And then I'll be done with this stupid issue.

This ruling is a limited victory for freedom and sanity, but it doesn’t go nearly far enough... they focused the issue down to the specifics of Hobby Lobby’s particular situation, meaning that other companies, businesses, and corporations will still be subject to Orwellian speech infringements.

When you ask [your boss] to pay for what you do in the bedroom, you are inviting him in. Want him out? Good. Then stop making your birth control into a national headline. Deal with it yourself, privately.

Which is more likely to hurt you in the long run — a dogmatic Jehovah’s Witness business owner, or an unrestrained and power hungry government agency? [this is a] slippery slope that, historically, leads to oppression, murder, bankruptcy, and collapse. The former is just an extreme, limited, and unlikely application of a universal liberty.

The women I know are much deeper than that... [they] possess a pro-life conviction so profound that the very thought of abortion causes them pain and grief... Millions of women in this country would sooner die than march with you... How dare you.

 

...realize that the cost of birth control has actually increased BECAUSE of insurance coverage.

From the Matt Walsh Blog, "Want birth control? Go buy it. Nobody is stopping you."

Simple Liberty

I have been very disturbed and confused today with my news feed.  People who call themselves 'liberals' (I will call them leftists, because liberal means free from oppression in... English) are extremely angry over the Supreme Court's ruling on Hobby Lobby.  This leads to angry posts about feminism and corportations.  I find their objections to be flawed and often quite ignorant. I just find it so hard to understand their perspectives.  I mean, I'm just genuinely confused by the outrage, because it seems like such an obviously liberal ruling to be, and here's why:

1. People fight tooth and nail for the right of a woman to CHOOSE to end the life growing inside her, but they don't believe a business owner has the right to CHOOSE where their money goes.

2.  People vehemently want a corporation to do what THEY believe is right, yet completely ignore the right of that company's owners to believe something different.

3. People lash out against corporations making choices for people and the government allowing them to do that, and yet seem ignorant of the fact the corporations spend more money on lobbyists to Congress every year than I will make in a lifetime.

4. Therefore, they're outraged their 'democratic' government didn't do what they wanted it to do, when quite obviously due to lobbyists and backroom deals their government consistently, practically always, does what benefits bankers and corporations... because that's who pays them. 

5. Liberal means free. That old Constitution thing guarantees freedom of speech, freedom of religion, and freedom of property (among other things). Freedom means not being forced into something. It's an idea based on the Non-Aggression Principle which means that you should not use force on other people unless they first aggress against you. So, to actually believe in freedom means you give people the right to do and think what they want.  That means they are responsible for themselves.  With freedom comes responsibility.  So, we/you must choose responsibly where you work, who you work for, and what you believe, and it's ok if other people make other choices.

Do not use force against other people, even if you wholeheartedly disagree with them. 
Do not harm innocents. 
Be responsible for yourself.

It seems incredibly simple to me.

God is in the rain.

God is in the rain.
This is one of my favorite lines. It comes from the film V for Vendetta.
It's storming tonight, and I just love the rain. I adore thunderstorms. I get excited about gray clouds like most people do about sunny days. It's one of my many quirks (and feel free to psychoanalyze it to death).

I have been incredibly and increasingly stressed out for a number of reasons lately, and for some reason I let stress affect me far too deeply. Then it rains.

In the film, the female protagonist gods through this horrible life-altering experience that leads her to being ready to die. Then,  she learns it was a farce and she steps outside into the rain for the first time and utters that line...
God is in the rain.
It's her baptism. She's a new person. She no longer fears death. She finally sees truth and truly lives. She accepts her broken world and rises above it. And the thing that makes most people sad and dreary brings her joy. The thing that we complain about is necessary for life. So, rain is a warm blanket to my soul.  It reminds me of what I often forget. I am new, though I cling to my chains. I have nothing to fear, though I'm constantly afraid. I am alive and seeking truth, though I often act dead and hide in darkness.  Rain seems dark, but it is life. Topsy-turvy.  God is in the rain.

Messy Hearts

When a heart breaks it don't break even...
What am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're ok?

I found myself asking God why old hurts still hurt.  Its not something you live with everyday. You think you're totally over it. You don't realize you're still carrying it around with you until someone mentions something that triggers a memory.  Then, you remember.  You find your stomach turning and your heart beating.  You can't brush it off; it bothers. And then you get mad at yourself.  Why does it bother? Why does it make you a little sick? Why does your heart hurt? Why does it bring curse words to mind? Why is your heart still heavy after years and years have passed?

Why is it so hard to forgive?
I've tried. I have forgiven. There's so many other people in my life who I've forgiven, who iI even love despite all the hurt.  But there's that one thing that still illicits powerful emotion.
Obviously,  I haven't forgiven. So I try to figure out why. I've tried! I thought I had, but obviously not.

How can you forgive when someone betrayed you completely and repeatedly?
How can you forgive someone who wasn't hurting you because they didn't know better, but who hurt you knowing they had power over you, knowing exactly how to manipulate you, having full knowledge that their actions would rip you apart?
How can you forgive someone who you gave the best of yourself to and they threw it all away as if it was nothing?
How can you forgive someone who has damaged you more than any other person in your life?
How can you forgive someone who you loved completely and purely, yet they humiliated you?
How is forgiveness even fair?

And I can hear God chuckling in response.
Saying, I know exactly how you feel, because you did that to me.
And I smile, because He knows.  It doesn't matter whether or not that person knows how deeply he scarred me. He doesn't define me.  I am not chained to him.
I am free.  I am forgiven.  I am made new. I am known.  I dont have to blame or punish or seek revenge. I am not afraid. I am defined by so much more.  I don't belong to him anymore; I belong to someone who is infinitely better, and who will never hurt me.  I am not searching.  I can forgive, because that deep deep debt gas been paid.

All my future and my hope is with thee,
I stand before Almighty God alone,
I yeild my need to cast the blame or stone,
I've given up my heart is now exposed,
I stand before Almighty God alone.