Snow never happens in Texas.

70 degrees on Saturday... 20 degrees on Tuesday.  Oh, how I love my home state.  People from other states really can't understand how proud Texans are of Texas.  Texas is just different, and awesome, and quirky, and independent. 

Enjoy the snow!

Night before after El Taurino's:

 

 What I woke up to (work was delayed)...

Work got cancelled!

Then, the next Tuesday...

It's been a strange winter, indeed.

Magic

C.S. Lewis once said that "Someday you will be old enough to start reading fairy tales again."  I just finished reading the entire Harry Potter series for the uncounted time.  And I already want to read it again.  I still remember it being about 1 in the morning when I started the last book of the series.  My sister was laying on the loveseat with her copy, and I was on the couch with mine.  My friends and I would call each other and carefully ask if the other had gotten to 'this' part yet, trying to pick out significant but non-spoiler points so as to gauge what you could scream about or cry about to each other, or say "Oh just wait!".  The tears started when Hedwig died and just continued in various levels of severity until the last page.  I remember it was about 2 in the morning (the next day) when Fred died and the tears poured from me so much that I couldn't read the pages, and I just kept weeping for so many different reasons until the very end.

Last year, I began to give this big metaphor in class between something that had happened in Harry Potter and something I was trying to teach kids about history... and I got blank stares.  I was aghast.  I asked for a show of hands as to how many had read HP... out of 20, about 4 had, and about 3 more had 'seen the movies.'  Sigh.  It's fading, this initial phenomenon, but it will never fade entirely.  The words are too strong; books are too powerful, and this story, the story of an orphan whose world is turned upside down will find its place next to Peter Pan and Aslan and Cinderella.

I grew up with Harry, Ron, and Hermione.  These completely fictional characters actually helped to define me as a person, helped me to grow up, helped me to see the world a little more clearly.  I will be eighty years old still reading Harry Potter, and when my grandchildren question me my answer will be "always."  The series is not about wizard school or even heroes really (though, that makes it quite as cool as bow-ties), the story is really about love and overcoming.
It's about the love between friends; it's about how truly important and precious family is; its about being chosen; its about the last thing you think about before you die being the love of your life; its about how sacrifice is the greatest expression of love; its about true nobility that we have so forgotten; its about rebirth from the ashes; its about treating everyone with equal dignity; its about the human fight to keep evil at bay even if it can never quite be eradicated.

All Generations Will Call Me Blessed

The story of the most famous man in history begins with two women.

I just noticed this for the first time while doing my advent reading tonight.  The story of Jesus starts off in Luke with a focus on an old barren woman (Elizabeth, my first daughter will have her name) and a naive teenage girl. Not the picture of womamhood we're used to.  Modern media teaches us that success looks like a fit woman in her late twenties who waited to have kids and is unfulfilled if she's not working and making her husband into an accessory.  Modern feminism teaches us to shy away from motherhood and to see everything as a patriarchal attack.  And while the struggle for equality has been a long one (its almost as if there's some force in world working to destroy the sacred feminine), sometimes what we are fed in our society is not a true picture of the value of womanhood.

In Galatians, Paul (you know, the misogynist) writes that in Christ there is no differentiation of value between male and female. We're equally loved, valued, and saved.  In the birth story in Luke, God announces the birth of his son by blessing Elizabeth with a baby.  God uses little teenage country girl Mary to fix the fracture of the universe.  Mary, before anyone else, is the perfect example of faith in the new testament.  And then, the first person Jesus shows himself to after he is resurrected is a chick (whose testimony would not have even been accepted in the courts of the day).  Hundreds of women were part of Jesus' entourage as he traveled around Israel.  And God picked women to endow with his creative power. (I can grow a person-an image bearer of God!)

Its easy to forget that Christianity is a faith that deeply values women.  Its also easy to forget that women can be just as unjust as men. And its especially easy to forget that we women can be successful modern women, but that can just as easily mean executive as it can mean being a stay at home mom.

Retrospective Saturday Night

I want to be braver than I am.
I want to be kinder than I am.
I want the next time I fall in love to be forever.
I want to carry a baby inside of me.
I want to kiss in the rain.
I want to be spectacular.
I want adventure.
I want to grow and never stop wanting to grow.
I want to read a thousand books.
I want to make a great life with someone.

I believe that love is the most powerful force in the universe.
I believe that forgiveness is truly as important as the cliches say it is.
I believe that if we never realize that we need to be forgiven we are missing out on important depth in life.
I believe that if we never forgive others for deep hurts that we will never experience a very special kind of love.
I believe love means you will never leave.
I believe love looks like a man carrying a purse, fights with the kitchen sink sprayer, and laughing on a Tuesday night over a glass of wine.
I believe that everyone is important.
I believe that fairy tales are more true than non-fiction best sellers.
I believe that you can see beauty in anything.

Down with the Sickness

One of the biggest things that has always bothered me about Christianity/Judaism is the idea that I'm paying for the actions that some foolish man made tens of thousands of years before I was born.  It seems unfair and ridiculous.  As time has passed I've had the sin problem explained to me, and it has made sense, but then I lapse back into the thought that surely this whole thing is just not fair.  And God is just after all, right?  Last night, my dad was mocking the idea and, as usual, I found myself struck dumb in intimidation.  This nagging annoyance in the back of my mind that maybe this sin thing is just pure injustice.

But then today, it occurred to me that such a thing is really not all that ridiculous at all.  It's like a sickness.  You may not be the carrier, but someone else's actions can give you the disease, whether you deserve it or not.  A woman who has AIDS or Herpes or something can give it to the child that is inside of her.  An innocent child.  Infected with this poison before it could even take a breath.  It's still innocent, but now its infected, and as it grows it will have the disease.  Sin is an infectious disease.  It's in our DNA.  It's been passed down for millenia.  It kills us in the end. 

On Revenge last week, the main character said something about forgiveness being granted, but we still have to live with the consequences of our sin.  That's exactly true.  You can be forgiven for having sex before marriage and having a baby with some loser, but the consequences of raising the child and dealing with the dead-beat-dad are still there.  You have to live with the consequences of your actions.  And often times, those actions hurt other people.

Adam's rebellion, he and Eve deciding that there was something better than God, deciding to try to be gods created this disease.  Their discontentment (grass is greener and all that), their choice, their listening to lies, their pride, bringing poison into a world that had never seen it before was so incredibly horrific that it ripped nature, the universe apart.  And we've been living in the aftermath of that ever since.

Hiroshima, Japan.  Before and after the American bombing.

~

PS. I've been so very busy with school lately. All that bureaucracy is a killer! Teaching is pretty time consuming too. Excited for the Protestant Reformation tomorrow (entire thing taught in two days)

PSS. Too many people around me are currently pregnant or just became parents.  This has led to an alarming amount of mornings where I wake up from a vivid dream to remind myself that I am not in fact pregnant, nor do I have any little person to breast feed.  I know you wanted to know.

Checking In

I head back to work in about 32 hours... :S. So, I just felt in the mood to check in with a few one liner thoughts of the past week as the summer ends.

Casablanca didn't impress me much.
My church family is so precious to me.
People must only live in California for the weather. I understand this.
Some relationships, friendships, are more intimate and valuable in their own way than words could ever explain.
Its very easy to become discontented with singleness. (Specially with some baby or wedding popping up left and right oon the facebooks)
Death just happens.
I miss being the lady I forget I can be. I like her. She's super cool.
I want to read Tolkien to my children someday.
MY Bible is an old friend to me.
I watched The White Queen this weekend and felt that enchantment that first drew me to history when I was just a little girl wondering how common German princesses were and if there really were fairies and dragons.
I wish I saw my sister more.
I'm starting to lament the passing of summer less, and get excited for a new start and a new year.

Satisfaction.

Sittin' in a tree,

k-i-s-s-i-n-g,

First comes love,

Then comes marriage, 

Then comes a baby in the baby carriage...

My world has been filled with weddings and babies for over a year now!  Just like a little girl's fairy tale 20-something-life.  Some of it is "that girl from high school", "that couple that's friends with so-and-so", but a significant amount of it are people I'm very close to.  Just the other day I was talking to a close friend about her relationship and future unofficial wedding plans, and she apologized for talking about it after a while because she realized that it might be bothering me - the single-for-several-years-24-yo-friend.  I was actually kind of surprised to realize that the conversation hadn't bothered me in the slightest. No jealousy, no longing.

This new mentality is a double edged sword - I find myself not really into love songs.  I don't really want to watch girly rom-coms.  And, I think this is a healthy self preservation.  I'm in a place where, yes, I want to get married, but I don't really want to do that right now... Crazy, I know!  All these years of pining, and I find myself... satisfied?  (what is that? satisfied? psh.) But yes, I'm oddly complacent.

These years of singleness have taught me many things, but things falling into two main themes:

Singleness is a blessing. And God is good.
My heart needs a lot of repairing.

Blessing:
It's an amazing blessing to have a best friend to go through life with - who you can fight with safely and who will fight for you forever, who loves you even when you're not you, when you're on the bathroom floor in complete non-sexiness, and who's not going anywhere.
But not having to worry about maintaining that relationship is also a blessing.  Having time to serve without constraint, having freedom to read as late as you want at night, worrying just about your job and your ministry and not other things truly is a blessing (and God knows I've been busy this year).  It's also the perfect time to travel, to give your all.  A time to throw yourself into ministry, into life, and really learn how to live it well.  Paul said singleness was better, and I think the American evangelical community forgets that.  We (myself, included) watch The Bachelorette and you get out of college and feel like a failure if you're not engaged.  Marriage is wonderful, but not-being-married is also wonderful.

Repairs:
It's taken several years for me to really forgive past hurts, and to understand things about myself that I would have figured out with a partner in a much more destructive way.  I've never dated frivolously; I've dated deep.  I do everything deep.  I cannot live in shallow waters; I suffocate.  But that also means that I open myself up to a lot of pain.  I'm broken.  I've realized a lot of roots in my heart, and there's a lot of fixing to be done, but Prince Charming won't fix me.  Marriage is about sanctification, but my husband can't save me or love me perfectly.  Only God can.  So, we've been renovating for many years, extra costs included, deadline extended.  And we've been redecorating.  I'm such a settler, but as God grows me I'm slowly realizing that he is enough, that I trust him, and I'm worth more than settling.  So the decor has changed, and I'm slowly realizing my worth.  It has little to do with me, but rather, with who he has created me to be.

Also, I get to fully throw myself into these blessings...

 

 

What happened to love thy neighbor?

I just finished (reluctantly, though I loved it in the end) watching a movie called Copperhead.  Abner Beech is a man living in upstate New York during the Civil War.  Abner belonged to a small political group called copperheads, sort of in the same tone that Christians were called christians at Antioch - a derogatory one.  Others saw them as traitors or snakes willing to rip the union apart.  They were against the war between the states basically because it was unconstitutional, and suffered much persecution.

Abner explains his beliefs in this clip:

(spoilers next, if you care to see the movie)

At the end of the movie, the antagonist has killed himself and his son gives the eulogy at his funeral, and it shook me to the bone.  It felt like he was speaking, not to 1864 New York, but to right now.  He calls out the town who sing hymns in church together every Sunday, but yet when someone has a difference of opinion, they call them names, they quote scripture at them, they burn their homes down.  And throughout, the son asks, what happened to love thy neighbor?

What happened to "love thy neighbor"?  Why are we content to sit in church pews spouting hate and judgement when Christ said "Do not judge, or you too will be judged"? (Mt.7:1) 
Why do we kill and destroy others, physically and spiritually, when Christ said "Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God."? (Mt5:9) 
Why are we so fake, complacent, ignorant, and unwilling to do anything when Paul advises us to "let love be genuine, abhor what is evil...love one another in brotherly affection, outdo one another in showing honor...live peaceably with all..." (Romans 12) and that "[love] does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth." (1Cor13:6)?

I couldn't go to church Sunday night because I was just tired.  I was... spiritually weary of it.  Sunday morning we sang a patriotic musical, and one part in particular completely broke my heart.  Within the musical was a medley of the various musical marches for each branch of the military.  After that song, there was a church wide round of applause, and you could just feel the jubilation.  This may seem perfectly acceptable, but it rocked me to my core.  My stomach turned. 

I love my church.  I really do.  They are like family to me.  It has been a very hard year for my church, and for me at my church, but believe me when I say that I love them so very much.  If I didn't, trust me, this year would have been a lot less stressful than it was, but in that moment I saw clarity, and I had to hold back tears.  I admit.  After church, I had to call my best friend and vent.  I was hurt.  I was distressed.  I was disappointed.  I was losing hope.

My church in that moment showed itself true.  When that song closed, and applause rang from the rafters, I looked around shocked.  There was more feeling, and passion in that one moment, than there hardly EVER is when we sing songs to worship God on Sunday!  My church was more excited about battle songs.  They approved of those songs more so than they approve of "Blessed be the Name" (because it repeats too much).  That song struck a chord deep with people.  I know it was an emotional moment as veterans were recognized, but yet, I can't even remember the last time that kind of emotion was stirred in people on a normal Sunday morning.

Now, I didn't start this blog to whine about church issues or even to speak about statism.  I SWEAR! In fact, when I started it I consciously thought that I did not want to mention this story!  But, I guess, this epidemic that has infected the American church manifested itself close to home this week, and... well, the pain, the sorrow, the worry brought it out. 

My church showed that it can feel, though most of the time, it feels lifeless, and it feels complacent or sometimes irritated.  We're comfortable, and do not want to be moved or changed, and if you're different or challenging we don't want you around. The American church is dying quickly because of this epidemic, but I am not dead.  Followers of Christ should be the farthest from dead-living than any human beings on the planet.

So, what happened to love thy neighbor?  The American church has done a horrible job of this.  The Chinese church is teaching Arabic to and training 1 million missionaries to go into the middle east in the next year.  What are we doing?  Are we sending missionaries to Iran?  No.  We want to send soldiers and ships to Iran.  Do you love your neighbor?  Would you have forgiven Pontius Pilate?  Or would you have hung him?  Would you have taken the whore into your home and heard her story?  Or would you have stoned her for her sexual sins?  Would you have left an unwanted child to die, because its not your problem?  Or would you have taken it in?  Are you saying "Of course, I would!  How dare you!" in your mind, but in your heart, you're really lying to yourself?  What happened to love thy neighbor?

"You shall love the Lord, your God, with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind.  This is the first and greatest commandment.  And a second is like it, "You shall love your neighbor as yourself.  On these two commandments depend all the Law and the Prophets."  (Mat. 22:37-40)

Few of my Favorite Things

The smell of pine on cool-warm air.
Rain.
Purple sunsets.
Standing on the beach at dusk.
The smell of a new book.
Bohemian Rhapsody.
How the sun filters into my old church windows in the middle of the morning.
My grandfather's blue eyes.
The sound of old movies playing in the background.
When students make historical jokes.
Esther's smile.

Anna's hugs.
Leslie's laugh.
Alycia's wit.
The relief when Allie and I understand each other perfectly.
The blessed comfort and ease of me and Miranda.
When my kids make me laugh because of their teenage inhibitions.
The feel of a baby against the skin of my chest.
The South.
Sweet tea.
When my sister whips off a hilarious clever remark. 
Watching British television with my mom.
My old red Bible.
When Sarah blushes.
Driving with the windows down.
When Lori gets sassy.
Late night conversations with my dad.
Swan Lake.
When you get to smirk at yourself with God.
Renaissance Festival.

Watching planes take off.
Old things.
Getting a glimpse of time.
Waking up to birds singing.
Texas.
Wanderlust.
When old men at church show their love through long hugs.
The rush of excitement at any taste of Middle Earth.
Singing the Doxology with big family next to the lake that has witnessed it for a half century.
Passion still there after 20 years of studying history.

I've always had a curiosity about the In Between.

I woke up really tired today. From beginning to end, I was just trying to get this day over, from one task after another. Writing assignments in the board, paining with coworkers, yelling at children, driving, making dinner, teaching a Bible study and not having a heart capable to do it best, complaining to mom after having a conversation with a friend who had also realized how much she complained through Lent. Tired and sleepy, just pushing through all the way to picking up this book.

Imagine all the years we spend just trying to get to bed. Imagine all the days spent where the best part was laying your head down at night. And what so we DO? We do a lot of the mundane in the in between moments. We truly live in the in between moments. Baseball games and ballets and wine festivals do not make up our lives. Laundry and conversations and dinner and grocery stores are life. But we live them - just trying to make to to unconsciousness.

And then, one day, we don't wake up. My great-aunt just died this week.  She went to sleep with nothing particularly wrong, and simply never woke up. I'm noticing that most people are not in the hospital for weeks, or get stage four melanoma. Most people just stop. And one phone call later, they are disappeared from our worlds. But in the in between, we watch the telescreen; we complain about our lot; we are numb; we don't feel good or bad; we make other people feel little; we bad mouth someone behind their back; we are tired. We are tired.

I'm slowly realizing just how much of our lives we waste. How truly ungrateful we are for everything we have been given. How very little I actually truly live my life. And how all of that is simply an action stemming from not truly trusting that the God of the universe really does love me.

Romans 8:37-39