Now

And so this is life.


It's hard for me sometimes to be in the now.  I completely understand the sentiment, to be here, present, not just physically, but mentally and spiritually; and I advocate it, but sometimes it's hard for me because I don't realize I'm living in somewhere else.  It takes me a while to get a realization of things, of being in a moment.  And then other times, I think I subconsciously withdraw because I see more than it seems other people see and feel that the world is broken, that so much is corrupt, and dark... so I live in a future that I control and plan, and forget that right now is just as important and that I haven't controlled one second of my life... ever.  But this past week has been a realization week.


My best friend just engaged.  Like 20 minutes ago, ha.  And this whole journey with my two closest friends and them finding spouses has been oddly hard, and oddly denied on my part.  But, I have decided to be supportive.  I decided to support Miranda several months ago, but I suppose really I decided to support Allie in only the last few days.  


And with that decision comes being in the now.  


Now involves twenty-nine 9th graders and their lack of interest in World Geography, but earnest attempts to teach them something anyway.
Now involves work relationships and tenacious futures.
Now involves wedding dress shopping and picking up from alterations.
Now involves bill paying, and student loans, and deteriorating vehicles.
Now involves kind old ladies and gentlemen but hindrances to worship and progress.
Now involves a youth group that has so much potential, but no one, including me, knowing just how to push farther.
Now involves wedding planning, and bridesmaids dresses, and bachelorette parties.
Now involves being selfless and summoning energy and excitement to make this some of the happiest days of certain lives.
Now involves keeping my mouth shut on certain topics, because I put my foot in it way too much already.
Now involves realizing I have a lot of bitterness inside me, and not knowing where it came from, and what to do with it.
Now involves lavender, and spring coming, and the possibility of ripe tomatoes in the summer.
Now involves teaching to the test.
Now involves Saturdays spent watching shows with Mom.
Now involves learning about things you'd never hear about in normal conversation from Dad.
Now involves Desiring God, Beth Moore, and Game of Thrones.
Now involves lots of weddings and several new babies.
Now involves seeking truth and learning more deeply about the gospel.
Now involves missing Esther, and trying not to think too hard about who will be moving off next.
Now involves hollow moments due to lack of prayer, trust, and openness.
Now involves admiring Sarah's steadfast love and Liz's unassuming kindness.
Now involves sweet tea and good food.
Now involves heartache and realizing there's more to learn about love than mere romance.
Now involves embracing a period of life that is absolutely FULL of change.
But most importantly, now involves this moment, and being here, and realizing that it's precious and important, and passes all too quickly, and that at the end of the day this moment is not mine to own, it's mine to experience.  It's a gift, and like the first breath you take when you're born, one day... you'll have to give it back.