When a heart breaks it don't break even...
What am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're ok?
I found myself asking God why old hurts still hurt. Its not something you live with everyday. You think you're totally over it. You don't realize you're still carrying it around with you until someone mentions something that triggers a memory. Then, you remember. You find your stomach turning and your heart beating. You can't brush it off; it bothers. And then you get mad at yourself. Why does it bother? Why does it make you a little sick? Why does your heart hurt? Why does it bring curse words to mind? Why is your heart still heavy after years and years have passed?
Why is it so hard to forgive?
I've tried. I have forgiven. There's so many other people in my life who I've forgiven, who iI even love despite all the hurt. But there's that one thing that still illicits powerful emotion.
Obviously, I haven't forgiven. So I try to figure out why. I've tried! I thought I had, but obviously not.
How can you forgive when someone betrayed you completely and repeatedly?
How can you forgive someone who wasn't hurting you because they didn't know better, but who hurt you knowing they had power over you, knowing exactly how to manipulate you, having full knowledge that their actions would rip you apart?
How can you forgive someone who you gave the best of yourself to and they threw it all away as if it was nothing?
How can you forgive someone who has damaged you more than any other person in your life?
How can you forgive someone who you loved completely and purely, yet they humiliated you?
How is forgiveness even fair?
And I can hear God chuckling in response.
Saying, I know exactly how you feel, because you did that to me.
And I smile, because He knows. It doesn't matter whether or not that person knows how deeply he scarred me. He doesn't define me. I am not chained to him.
I am free. I am forgiven. I am made new. I am known. I dont have to blame or punish or seek revenge. I am not afraid. I am defined by so much more. I don't belong to him anymore; I belong to someone who is infinitely better, and who will never hurt me. I am not searching. I can forgive, because that deep deep debt gas been paid.
All my future and my hope is with thee,
I stand before Almighty God alone,
I yeild my need to cast the blame or stone,
I've given up my heart is now exposed,
I stand before Almighty God alone.
