Divine Conspiracy

a.k.a. Why I'm Going to Marry Luke

If that subtitle kind of freaks you out or makes you question my sanity, believe me when I say - I get it.   If the tables were turned, I would be the same way! (I've been there before)  Most of my friends and family have sat me down and expressed their concerns.  They're worried I'm falling too hard and fast (because let's face it, I totally am a deep passionate person who gives her heart away), and that I'm making a mistake.  They've all pointed out problems they see, and I have genuinely listened and considered everyone's concerns, and I've apologized where I've been thoughtless or wrong.  But... even though it's only been 5 weeks or so, I know that I'm going to marry Luke. 

Because we match.
There were a lot of red flags for me when this man walked into my life.  He's been divorced twice.  He's ex-military.  He didn't finish college.  He is a hard man, who has a tendency to speak harshly. He has two kids that I'm going to have to move into the life of.  He has a lot of anger inside of him.  He's killed people.  He's stubborn.  He's not that sentimental or emotional. 
Yet, his divorces were biblically permissible, which means my marriage will not be adultery.  He's realistic about what the US military is and is not.  He's an autodidact, and knows a lot more about some things than I do.  The second I call him out on his harsh speech, he repents and explains himself.  He's a good daddy, and he loves those girls more than anything.  He recognizes his anger, and is leaning into the Lord over that.  He and God have done a lot of work over what he's done, and he is a very moral man.  He's not unreasonable.  He may not cry, but that doesn't mean he doesn't love. 
I see him - the good and the bad, and I also see how at each turn we sharpen each other.  Sanctification is not going to be fun, but with me and this man it will be fruitful, and our relationship is absolutely centered on Christ.

Yet, I understand him, and as different as we are - we fit.  Like two completely different looking puzzles pieces just snapped together.  He's a bull-riding cowboy.  I'm a naturopath classical small town girl.  But we're actually both a lot more complicated than that, and we agree on the big stuff; we have a lot in common.  The math doesn't look right (but then again it was perfect with my last ex, and that was totally the wrong relationship), but the poetry is perfect, and you know what?  When God explained creation in Genesis, he didn't explain the physics and the math, he did it through poetry.

Astros v. Tigers

Because we're friends.
50 years from now when all he can do is sit on the front porch and drink coffee, I'll be right there beside him with my cup of tea, and we'll talk - because we're friends, because we can talk about anything.  We ain't got time, so we're honest, straightforward, and we just say it.  The intimacy there is absolutely amazing.  (don't worry about the sex!  It'll come when it's supposed to.)  I have some deep, open relationships with my girlfriends that are irreplaceable and wonderful, but I've never known intimacy and openness like this.  (Makes me excited to see how the sex plays into that later, if we're being honest here)

Because this is different.
I've never cared about someone so much, been so physically attracted to someone, yet at the same time felt complete clarity about a relationship.  No rose colored glasses here.  I see who he is.  I know who I am.  I know who he is.  I know what we want out of life.  We communicate.  We hash things out - hard things - everytime they come up.  We ask the hard questions.  We are honest.  This is like nothing we've experienced before.  This is the end of the road, and the beginning.  I always thought that when I found the man I'd marry

Because why wait?
Getting married is a choice, but then staying married is a covenant.  It is not broken easily.  It should not be broken at all.  When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible. (Get the movie reference? eh? eh?)  It's truly only social conformity that is stopping us from getting married this year.  And honestly, a little bit of wisdom too - we don't want to screw this up, and we actually haven't known each other that long, so if one of us turns out to be a psychopath then we'll call it off, but our little family will come together soon enough. We genuinely do not dwell on the idea, but why waste time wondering and not talking about it because its 'fast' when you know its going to happen?  We're so much calmer just knowing and talking about it as the fact that it is.  We will wait for about a year just for propriety, but it won't take long.

Because I love him.
True love is sacrificial.  True love never ends.  I love who he is.  I love his scars and his damage.  I love his girls.  I love his sense of humor.  I love his knowledge of Christ.  I love how he feels about land and animals.  I love that he's traditional.  I love that he's goofy.  I love that he's strong.  I trust him.  I feel safe with him.  I love how he loves me.  I just love him, and I'm not afraid to say it.

Because God said so.
More than anything, what I'm struggling with this week are my own demons.  Luke and I have had a few conversations this week (and before that) in which we very vehemently disagree.  Nothing theological or foundational, but important things still.  I think it's a control thing, and I'm going to spend the rest of this week really praying over what's going on in my heart.  I've been getting really afraid and emotional over things, even though I know that God has clearly (almost verbally, though not with these exact words) said "It's someday. See, I told you it would come.  Here's the man you're going marry."  There is so much assurance and peace in accepting God's will in your life. But...

But that means I don't get to pick.  That's means I've lost my choice, and it's a choice right?  We have free will, don't we?  I'm an indepencent modern woman, and I get to do what I want, right?  I have control, don't I?

No.  I don't.  Yes, we make choices and are accountable to our actions and heart, but God is sovereign, and we have absolutely no control.  My phone could ring right now and my entire world would shatter, and I have no control of that. God does.  God is in control.  And he is good, and he is trustworthy.  Practically, I'm evaluating everything.  Practically, I'm trying to be wise and righteous.  But in the end, I don't have to trust myself - that I'm making the right decision or that I've made all the right choices.  I don't even have to trust Luke (though I do).  Really, I just have to give control of this thing over to the Lord, and just trust Him.  (And we all know how AWESOME I am at that *sarcasm*)  Yet in the end, all I have to do is let it go.

Rodeo Surprise!

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IN OTHER NEWS!!!!!!!!!!  I'm going to be able to satisfy my baby fix for a while!

Surely Goodness

Yesterday, I made a salad.  But it was one of the most calming and peaceful experiences I have ever had.  See, I didn't just make a salad.  I left work and went home to a man who deeply cares for me.  Then, in the quiet with glasses of wine and music playing, we made dinner.  We chatted, and shared sweet touches every now and then, and sang along to the music when the need arose, and joked.  But then, at other times we just stood in the quiet across the kitchen from each other working on our own tasks to make dinner for friends.  And in that quiet moment as I glanced up and looked out the back windows at some beautiful land, I caught a glimpse of the rest of my life.

I heard a pastor say a few weeks ago that the life of the Christian is meant to be a quiet and simple life.  Yesterday, I got just a little taste of what it will be like over the years to come.  The quiet.  The simplicity. The assurance. The comfort of a lover and a best friend who isn't going anywhere.  He looks nothing like anything I pictured I'd end up with - this man across the kitchen in the wranglers and fishing shirt, with his red beard and his deep kind eyes, with deep visible and invisible scars.  This man with his broken past who has seen and survived more than he lets anyone know.  This hard man who loves softly and completely.  On paper he's not who my dad would want me to end up with, but he's my match, and it's like everything finally makes sense, because when God moves, He moves.  When God acts in his sovereign goodness, it's irresistible.  And it is good.  It is often hard, but it is well with my soul. So why would you even want to resist?  Why not just enjoy each second of the ride?

Surely goodness, surely mercy,

right beside me all of my days,

I will dwell in your house forever,

and bless your holy name...

Alone and Steadfast

I hate eating alone. I hate going almost anywhere alone. (Driving and shopping I like to do alone, but that's about it.) Last week a friend of mine was telling me about how he ended up early that morning before work at IHOP, and that he was the youngest person there. I, of course, had to tease him about his age, because he constantly teases me about my youth  (we're only ten years apart, but we milk it). But, see he does that kind of thing all the time. The man travels to New York and Boston and wherever by himself. It's impressive to me, but also terrifying.

So I find myself this morning, sitting in a little cafe in Santa Fe, NM eating breakfast alone. I came armed with books and cell phone (still fasting from social media, btw). But I know I had that deer in the headlights look. And I can feel my odd extroverted introvert self trying to control and hide the panic within that comes from  being in public alone.

But then the ridiculousness of it all really comes home. Are we ever really alone?

Life can truly be so lonely sometimes, and we can't deny or try to ignore that feeling. I feel lonely, forgotten, unlovable, and unvalued often. I know there are lots of people in my life who would immediately dispute each of those things, and they would be right, but that doesn't change the feeling when the world that is broken rushes past you and beats you against the rocks.

But, are we ever really alone? When I teach the Protestant Reformation, I basically do a crash course of Christian theology and doctrine. We live in such a secular and anti-liberal arts world that my 15 year olds show up with very poor cultural and religious educations (regardless your faith, these are important foundational ideas of western culture that must be understood). When I teach this, I have to talk about the omni's - god is omnipotent, omniscient, and omnipresent.  He is everywhere and knows every thing.  So, are we ever really alone?

I realize that I hate doing things alone because of how it looks. Because I desperately crave affirmation from earthly things and earthly people that I am wanted and worthy. But, if God knows everything and is everywhere, and then decided that he was going to love me, and forgive me, and surely give goodness to me then who am I to decide otherwise? Why do I so desperately cling to earthly things to make my life worthwhile? What is it deep down in my soul that makes me so very needy and dissatisfied?

I don't fully have the answer yet, but I recognize it. So, as I sit here in the little cafe alone I recognize that if I'm always alone (as much as I want to banish the thought and live in fear of that being my story) I'll be ok. I really will. Because I'm never really alone. It's like having that childhood  imaginary friend actually be real and a thousand times more powerful than you ever imagined. And that is a beautiful story, even if it doesn't play out like I always imagined it would.

Grounded Goodbye

So, I'm giving up social media for Lent, but I'll get to that...

Have you ever heard of grounding?  It's this wacky idea where (roughly) you stand in the fresh earth barefoot and sort of spiritually ground yourself to the earth.  Hokey, I know, but there's something to the idea that we are actually both spiritual and physical beings, and there's something that happens sometimes when electricity and the soul work together.  Whether that's sunset and your barefeet in the sand, or hands held high in ancient prehistoric expression of worship.  Now, regardless what you think of my poor explanation of the phenomenon of grounding, I thought about it last night - about how sometimes there's a pulse.  Sometimes, people are really able to touch that spark of the divine.  You see it at rock concerts - the feeling of everybody singing and moving to the music as one entity, and you see it best when you have a room full of human beings worshiping the Creator of the universe.  There's a pulse that we crave desperately.  We crave it even when we don't know what we're looking for.  It's this call for a purpose, for fulfillment, for affirmation, for love, for something solid and big.

...It would seem that Our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased...

We all want.  We all suffer.  In small ways, in big ways do we suffer.  In fresh, unexpected moments of pain from something you see on Facebook, or after a horrible phone call that tells you "she's gone", or by a careless phrase said by a well meaning person.  Suffering is so present and raw and, it eventually numbs you.  But we run from these deep things when we can.  We're terrified.  We're anxious.  We're losing control - we have no control.  So, we hide; we run.  We don't commit.  We don't open up.  We don't look each other in the eyes.  We don't read.  We don't think.  Instead, we watch TV or play Clash of Clans.  Instead, we talk about sports, or we get angry and storm off, or we smile and fake it, or we party, or we knit, or we sing.  We do anything but really deal with our fears and anxieties.  We placate the void in our soul with whatever we can find, and call it good.  We are far too easily pleased. 

I'm rambling, sorry, but I've had a lot of thoughts this weekend.  I went to Linger Conference this weekend (with some awesome people, by the way!), and my heart was ripped open, and I could breathe again.  The Lord did work on me, and I am grateful.  I was reminded that I know who I am and what my purpose is.  I'm not wandering.  I'm not adrift.  I'm totally a hot mess!  But, my life is grounded.  Regardless of the suffering that has come and will come, joy stays, and I will be ok.  There is so much life in that, depth in that.  There is liberty in that.

The beautiful Essie Jean
http://todayismyfavorite.blogspot.com/

And so, I realized that this weekend was the culmination of a subconscious effort in my single, late-twenties life right now to GET THE JUNK OUT of  my life.  Be that crappy food and toxins, or false friendships, or worry and anxiety over things that I have no bloody control over.  And so, I stayed off Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram this weekend because I just don't need that in my life while I was doing Linger.

Confession:  Y'all, I'm on my phone a lot.  I'm not too obnoxious about it, but its like an instinct of my hand every few seconds, and I realized how much of a crutch it was (cause the struggle is real with social anxiety, ok! I would so rather stare at Facebook than make small talk).  So, today and last night I was mulling over something bigger in my head - what about fasting from those things all of Lent?  Ummm...Ugh. Yuck. That's a long time. That means I can't Instagram New Mexico Spring Break and my Birthday! (let alone post adorable Jamie pictures!  I know you're disappointed)  But maybe my motives for all of that are ridiculous (and not working), a waste of time even, or at the least its a replacement for something I'm missing somewhere along the way, instead of just being simply sharing my life with people who care.  Maybe, I can actually spend my time in this moment, and reconnecting to better things.  So, I had a peace about it, and I'm doing it.  So, this will be the last thing you see until Easter.  (I may make an exception for Birthday wishes to not be rude, but other than that - nope).

I'm letting go.  I'm cleaning out the junk.  I'm redefining 'everything'. I'm letting it be.
I'm choosing the sea over mud puddles.

See you on the other side.

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From the love of my own comfort, 
From the fear of having nothing,
From the need to be understood,
From the fear of being lonely,
From the fear of death or trial,
Deliver me.
 Take over lover of my soul,
take control, 
there's nothing I want more,
I surrender...

Create in me a clean heart in me,
Renew a right spirit within me, 
and teach me wisdom in the secret heart...

What I already know is already enough,
I don't need to know tomorrow...

You are good,
You are God,
You are life,
of all else I'm letting go,
I'm running to your arms...

You see me through and through
and call me loved...

Surely goodness, 
surely mercy,
right beside me all my days... 

because your love is better than life is,
and in the face of precious Jesus, 
oh my soul will be satisfied...

Everything is mine in you,
I can trust you in my longing...

I lay down all lesser things
for greater gain...

Pry our fingers from the earthly,
Everything is mine in you,
In you I have everything I need...

My God will come through always, 
He will not delay,
My refuge and strength,
I will not fear,
His promise is true.

I trust you with my life.

Jesus is better, 

Jesus knows better,

Jesus has better 

 

(quote by CS Lewis, interspersed song lyrics by Shane & Shane, Hillsong, Audrey Assad, Christy Nockels)

Enough & Exceptions - To the Man Who Walked Away

To the man who walked away:

You had me. I was in. I said this out loud today which made it real - I would have given you everything. Truly, you could have had every part of me - parts that I have never shown anyone; parts that no other guy has even gotten a glimpse of, but you walked away.  I was in. I was done. I felt like I was home. We weren't perfect. Love is hard, marriage is hard, and there was work to be done, but I didn't care and I wasn't scared because I was there. I loved you.

I am a deep person (it super sucks sometimes btw), and once I let my heart open, people stick. Men, family, friends, kids. I know what true love is, see, I've made a study of it throughout my life (cause i actually do think about this kind of stuff allll the time, lol). From loving and forgiving in my own relationships. To loving a little boy so completely, he might as well be my own. To holding the pieces of my heart together through grief. To having relationships that have lasted decades. I've seen what a mother will put herself through in love of a son. I've seen what the Creator of the universe will do for his own. I have been broken before. I have loved. I know what that means. I know what it is to love a man who doesn't love me; I've had practice at that too. I know. And so I know I loved you. And that's ok. There's nothing wrong with loving, I've had to learn that recently. And it's ok that you didn't love me. It hurts like hell, but that's because it was real, and pain shows you what good feels like. There's nothing wrong with not feeling a certain way, but you gave so much up when you walked away, I don't think you even realize it - if you had just reciprocated, you would have had me, all of me, for the rest of our lives.

I understand. It hurts, and I whine and get pathetic, but I do get it. You didn't love me. You just weren't that into me after all that time. You got scared. You needed something I wasn't giving out just yet. You just didn't want me anymore. We were in a rut. It got a little predictable. Whatever the cause, it wasn't enough, so you walked. That's ok. It's honorable really, to be brave enough to bow out instead of dragging me along letting my heart get even more twisted. But I look at you now, and I don't think you realize what you had. You shut down, so I started to, and I didn't put words to what I was feeling, but oh, the feelings were there. And they don't fade easy. I see you with a new girl, and you seem happy, and she looks great (which is really annoying btw, but I'm glad to be in the same class you could say), but will this one last when all the others haven't? Will she be your exception?

What do you want? What are you scared of? Aren't you exhausted yet? I'm exhausted and I haven't done this near as much as you. What are you missing? What are you looking for? I'm afraid that if you can't figure that out by now, you never will. And that is truly a tragedy.

I'll be ok. Eventually my heart will fully let go. Eventually I won't hope, and my heart won't race when I see you, and I won't long to accidentally touch you, or (like his week) wish you'd just hold me because i feel sickly. I'll be fine. I'm a strong girl; I'm resilient. I've healed before. And maybe someday, I'll be someone's exception. I don't want to settle. I don't want someone to whom I'm a fall back or second choice. I am so tired of being everyone's second choice. Maybe one day, I'll meet him. You changed me. I grew. I appreciate it all. I wish you could have realized the life that was before you. Even now I look at the things we do independently and think 'man, we would be awesome as a pair', but obviously not. I hope you do forge a good life before it's too late. I hope you'll be fulfilled. I hope you find her (maybe you have). I hope you realize how satisfying God and family can truly be.

But regardless, I'm worth loving. I may not believe that all the time, because that's what guys and society tells me, though subconsciously - I'm not enough, I'm unlovable. But I know that I'm not, and that I am. I am worthy because He loves me. And that, though this hurts still no matter how frustrated I am at myself for not being 100% over it, is truly enough.

Chemical Confusion

I am a stupid woman.

"For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing."  Romans 7:19

I totally get this sentiment.  It's an amazing part of the human condition that we can both desperately want to not be in love with someone and still not be able to make it happen, while at the same time marriages end often because the couple 'doesn't love eachother anymore.'  I have made a study of love throughout my life, and I'm the kind of person that can love freely, deeply, and easily.  It's actually kind of a problem because once I love someone its so hard to ever let them go.  That's why my closest girlfriends are all the same girls that were my best friends in high school.  That's why I do not have commitment issues.  I also don't think I'm unwise in loving.  I was single for seven years for a reason.  My heart was so damaged by one relationship that I was terribly cautious about any others (perhaps too much so - I've learned a lot recently about how I am so scared of getting hurt that I build big walls around my heart, but once I start to let them come down...). 

"Chemistry wanes. Covenants don't."

I heard a sociologist say this once in a lecture in Austin, and it's become the basis of my beliefs about love and marriage.  Chemistry comes and goes.  Oddly, I can't kill the chemistry that I feel EVERY SINGLE WEEKDAY.  But covenants don't end, and I do not want a marriage that will end.

I am so conflicted and confused.  I constantly am trying to pray away my feelings, but they just keep bubbling back.  I've done better this week since some things I saw over the weekend let me to make certain conclusions.  That's vague, I know, I'm sorry, and what I 'figured out' may not be true at all, but I'm working on the assumption that it is because I really need to move on, and the pain of what I am assuming hurt at least as bad as the break up did. (It's been a rough week, and was a pretty terrible weekend, except Friday night which was awesome)  It hurts to not be chosen, and it really hurts like hell when someone else gets chosen after you.  But that's the way of life, and I can't blame the guy, it's totally within his rights, but it still hurts.  And I was able to finally get angry.  Of course, past hurts make me wonder and be suspicious that things are not as they seem, and it did feel like a punch to the gut, but relationships are messy and I'd rather feel this way than never have felt anything at all.  I just wish there was clarity now, and that my heart wasn't a jumbled mess!

But, I'm stupid. 
I let myself hope; I shouldn't have.
I wasn't myself around him; I'm trying to be now.
I have been heart broken; I'm trying to just keep living my life because its awesome, with or without him.
I compromised because of my attraction; I'm trying to turn that over to the Lord and desire Him.
I keep having the same thoughts; I'm trying to go to war with my own mind and heart and train it for better things.

I don't want to hope anymore.  I want to be angry enough to stand up for myself and protect my heart.  I want to stop feeling for him.  I'm praying more than I have in a long time over all of this, and here's the thing... through everything, I'm learning so much, and remembering things that are worth working for.

And you know, there may never be another guy. And that's ok too. I will be ok because of someone else's steadfast love.

"She lost him, but she found herself, and somehow that was everything."

She lost him but she found herself, and somehow that was everything.

'The guy who was meant to love you will never make you feel like a “second-choice” girl.'

I have great experience at being the second choice girl.  Story of my life, right there, it seems. So, I find myself reading this article and getting all teary eyed because it plucks at the heartstrings real close to all those long wrought scars and insecurities. It ALWAYS goes back to - 'will anyone ever just pick me?'

I think that's what makes predestination so easy for me to accept, if we take this thought in a crazy new direction (I have a pin ball machine mind, remember?), because if God is really as powerful as he says he is then of course his choices are already made. He has chosen,  and unlike all the other male figures in my life, he actually chose me. Now, I'm not saying this doctrine is easy for me to accept either. It's not, because that same insecurity exists - obviously no one really wants to choose me.

What's weird is that the article that has me thinking describes this guy who treats a girl really badly. Now, I've definitely been there, but what's actually harder, I think, is when he treats you pretty darn well from beginning to end, so when it's over you still miss him and can't stop thinking about him. I almost wish he had done something horrible, then I could hate him and all this would be easier. But, I'm learning a lot about myself. I really am.

I am also dreading New Years Eve. I was so looking forward to the simple pleasure of having someone to kiss at midnight for the first time since 2007/2008. Yep. That long. I know that's probably petty, but I have lived through so many Valentines Days and New Years and weddings that I thought I might just catch a break, but it wasn't to be. And that's ok. I mean, it will suck, and it will hurt, but it's better this way. I just have to keep repeating that. I hate how pathetic I can get!

But, really, what I'm learning is who I really have become. A man choosing me does not make me valuable. I am a daughter of God; I am valuable. I try to be kind. I try to make peace. I try to be forgiving and loving. I try to make people smile or laugh. I like giving gifts and baking to make people's days better. I read and study. I take my profession seriously. I try to live out the gospel. I try to think and consider. I can hold an intelligent conversation about most things. I am not quick to anger, and I try not to nag and manipulate. I try to give good advice. I care about people deeply. I love and feel things deeply. I try to not drop my problems on others. I'm a nerd. I love to travel. I'm not that crazy. I try to be well read. I try to love people as God loves me. I am very blessed in so many ways by who God has put in my life. All of these things make my life great.

I may still be missing that guy, a good guy, and I am still very damaged because of all the guys - one in particular - but none of that makes me valuable or not, and none of any of this means I am a perfect princess who deserves prince charming. Instead, at the end of the day, it means I'm working through the life that God has given me, and as much as all the feel good articles and Christian sayings try to gloss things over and be positive, I get tired of all those memes because I'm not promised a husband and family one day, but that's ok, because my life is valuable no matter what, and I am finding that value in who God has made me become.

Beginning and the End

This week.

Sometimes you just have to laugh at what life throws at you. I'm going to be honest - this week has been pretty hellish. I was wrong about something pretty important. I was more and more sure, but I was wrong, and the Lord showed me that. And I've learned what that joy that passes all understanding means. I have had some dark moments this week, but also ones of remarkable clarity. I've hurt so badly, but had a lot of realizations too. Life is so weird.

Last Tuesday, I got dumped. But he did it well, and he is still a good man. He's not the right man, as much as I desperately truly want him to be, but tonight I realized that I need someone who would be able to stand with me in what I had to stand up for, and that good man cannot do that. He could. He could be a great man; he has so much in him that I can see, but he's wasting it. I don't say that cruelly. I may be hurt still at times, but I'm not bitter. I think I see through him more than he realizes, or maybe that was the problem, I don't fully understand, but I do know there's things he won't touch that haunt him, and there are drives in his life that are not fulfilling like life can be, but that he won't give up. I realized I wasn't being myself with him, either. I was so scared of losing him or of getting hurt again that I was so closed up that he wasn't able to see the real me.  When he was breaking up with me, I was able to speak to him in a way I should have been doing for months. He was right to so it. I was all in. He wasn't. I still love him. If I'm honest, I want him back, but in order to be the husband I really want he'd have to change in only one real significant way, but you can't make people change. I love him. Not in a platonic way, I fell in love with the man, and I still love him, and that's hard when I see him and talk to him every day at work and it feels good to see him. But, I know who I am, and what I deserve, and I wish he was it. I want him bad, but it seems he's not it. And I'm so scared he's wasting his life. He could be a great dad and husband, he could do anything. But all I can do is try to love him in a different way, and show him how I am not wasting my life.

So I've had the moments of yelling at God, and crying my eyes put, and of little things like a Lawrence of Arabia reference or a Christmas tree feeling like a knife in the heart.  But I've also been able to smile, and defend him when it was deserved, and to worship like I haven't in half a year.

Tonight we had a budget discussion at church that lasted 2 1/2 hours. Yep. Not kidding. I won't bore you with the details, but I saw a rift forming that needs to form. Wolves need to be separated from the sheep, and people need to wake up to the fact that our church is dying, and we must act like Christians if we're going to keep the privilege of being a church.

I made a pretty good disposition on why church members shouldn't have to pay to have their wedding at their church, if I do say so myself. And the issue of having a female music director may or may not have been brought up by yours truly. But here's the thing, my church is dying.  I have spent nearly a decade dealing with archaic and selfish mentalities, and I am done. I have no more patience. I have a lot of love for the people there, and that's why I'm done.  It is time to fight. It is time to decide what kind of church we will be.  Will we live looking backwards until we're dead? Or will we turn around and step towards the dawn?

Cardiology

There's a T Swift line that goes, "you understand now why they lost their minds and fought the wars, and why I've spent my whole life trying to put it into words"   I feel like ever since I read my first fairy tale I've been making a study of love, trying to be able to put it into words.

When you're little it's love at first sight like Cinderella that you expect.  Then you become a teenager and you have such low self esteem and an awkward developing body that the first guy who comes along and likes you is the one you pick, even if that guy is a loser.  (that first love of mine did turn into a 2 1/2 year long relationship that lasted from when I was 13 to when I was 16, however.)  Then you grow up a little bit and your hormones are fueling some insanity in your brain and you expect love to be like the passionate intensity of a romanitc movie, and it doesn't matter if he's your best friend's boyfriend - you're in love and he's the one and you steal him away and that lasts just long enough that you think you'll marry him, but college happens and you find out that the relationship you thought you had was really a lie because of his self-destructive nature.  But you learn.  Maybe you spend seven years abnormally single because God makes you wait what feels like forever because He knows just how damaged you are so you need a good seven years of surgery before your heart is any where near safe enough to be given away again.  Then you're getting closer to thirty and you think it's never going to happen, but someone from literally next door proves to be different, and you're careful, and its fun, and you're grown up now - you're a different person, and you know it can end at any second, but you can control your reactions a little better, but then it starts to happen, slowly, like falling asleep...

During this 7 year romantic hiatus I have thought a lot about love.  Some of it is self-pity and doubt and thinking "what's wrong with me?" that comes from being a single girl through your twenties, but you know - the person you marry really matters, and I personally feel things very very deeply, so I'm glad I've had this period of singleness, and I hope the Lord chooses to bless me with marriage, but that is very much not a guarantee.

What I have learned though is that love is not what you see in the movies.  It's not feelings and hormones - it's "I'm not going anywhere" because I know you and regardless what you throw at me I'm staying and we'll work it out together.  It's I will take care of you and apologize and we will fight and we will hurt each other but we will stick it out and make it work.  So intellectually, I have developed this love thesis - what I didn't know is how bloody terrifying it would be to feel that way about someone.

I had an epiphany the other day that I needed to just let go and trust.  Trust him and trust God.  I'm too much of a control freak, it's hard for me to just let things happen, so this is a difficult one fore me.  But ever since I have just decided to trust, things have taken off at quite the rapid pace in my heart.

Early on, I was terrified that he would abandon me like all the others because I wasn't good enough.  Then I realized that he is not all those other guys, and so I trusted him.  That ended up being the trip down the rabbit hole.  That fear, of being left, is its own special brand or terror, and I don't think it will ever go away really, but what I'm discovering is that there are scarier things - things that are good and right, but that are terribly dangerous.  It is dangerous to give your heart away.  The only safe place to give it is to the Lord, and I think that's what had me denying this man from the minute I met him when a friend (or three) thought we'd be good together.  I think that up until November 5, 2015 I have been giving into the fear of not wanting to give my heart away again because people are sinful and relationships hurt, and I didn't trust that God knew what he was doing when He brought this man into my life, and I know that God can still take him out of my life.  But what's crazy is that now, there are even scarier things...

The scary thing is how much I care.  The scary thing is that we're coming to a precipice.  Dating is easy up until the point at which you dig in, and we are starting to dig in.  The scary thing is that he feels like coming home.  The scary thing is that I know at this stage of my life what love is and what it is not.  I know its not fairy tales and romantic comedies.  I know its hard; its painful; its easy to give up on; its exposing; its terrifying; its work.  I know that I have doubts, but again, the scary thing is actually how sure I am.  The scary thing is how simply right it feels when he kisses me; how easy it was to kiss him on the cheek today at work (when I really shouldn't have!).  The scary thing is realizing that I'm more concerned for his heart than mine.  The scary thing? ...is that he's male and his love language is not the same as mine and he's going to take more time than I am to get to this place.  The really scary thing is that I don't care; I'm used to waiting.  The scary thing is choosing him.  The scariest thing is that every day, even today which wasn't a great day, I'm more and more sure that I'm done.  

It's a messy business digging around in people's hearts, but it's what makes life worth it because it's deep, long relationships that make life all the more beautiful, and to get those relationships we have to do the messy work of opening and digging around in hearts.  There's nothing scarier than opening your heart to loving people, because people hurt each other.  You willing give someone the power to destroy you.  I was reminded that I had that power today, and just a taste of using it the wrong way sent me running because I realized how much he meant to me and how much I hurt when he hurts.  There's a verse made a cliche by weddings that really is about any kind of love...

"Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.  Love never ends."

True love is the love of Christ.  True love is self sacrificing.  True love is a committment, not an emotion.  True love is a rare and beautiful gift from God that shows us that we truly are made in his image.  True love takes the work of the heart.  True love never ends.   And you know what, true love - giving or receiving it...regardless of how much thought I've put into it - is just bloody scary.

Shieldmaiden

"What do you fear, lady?" Aragorn asked.
"A cage," Eowyn said, "to stay behind bars, until use and old age accept them, and all chance of doing great deeds is gone beyond recall or desire."


I have always loved fairytales.  One of my favorite CS Lewis quotes is...

"Someday you'll be old enough to start reading fairy tales again."

I think that time has come.  Princesses and elves and all that teaches us, as women, not that we are damsels in distress that are helpless and whiny and powerless, but that we are valued, that we literally bear inside of us the imago dei (image of God), and that we deserve to be protected and honored.  Our power doesn't come from physical strength, but from our unique participation in God's creation and love.

I always really thought I identified more with Arwen and Galadriel in Lord of the Rings than the other female characters.  The elven princess and queen, who are more super-natural than they are earthly.  I've always felt... different.  It was always hard for me to fit in and I wanted those powers and that grace - it still is in some ways hard for me to fit in, but I realized today that I actually feel more connected to Eowyn, Shieldmaiden of Rohan.

In Eowyn, Tolkien creates the epitome of the Celtic woman.  She can lead a nation through the greatest peril.  She longs to do great deeds be they simple acts of kindness or incredible triumphs.  She can fight and slay the king of demons and dragons.  She can care for the dying, and bear the grief of the loss of those closest to her. She falls in love with a good man, the greatest of kings, but bears losing him.  She never is cruel or hateful towards men; she respects herself and them too much for that.  She finds a man who is as broken as she is, and though they come together late in the epic story, they love each other until the end of their days.

At the end of it all, in her greatest moment, Eowyn does not deny who she is -

"No living man my hinder me!" [said the witchking]
"No living man am I!  You look upon a woman.  Eowyn I am, Eomund's daughter.  You stand between me and my lord and kin. Begone, if you be not deathless!  For living or dark undead, I will smite you if you touch him."

She doesn't try to be a man.  She doesn't harshen herself or androgynize herself.  She rips the helmet that was disguising her off and lets her long hair fall, and she proclaims who she is.  She doesn't deny herself or where she comes from, but she still has the biggest kill on Pelenor Fields that day.  She is a great lady, that when the war is over makes a home.

We live in strange times.  The best of times and the worst.  We are invited to forget our heritage and who God made us to be, and to become something all together other.  We are invited into loose morals and told its the better way.  We are pitted race against race, and taught to feel guilty regardless.  We are taught to be illogical, and to deny the reasonableness of faith and God.  We are told to be liberal, free, all the while the chains tighten more and more around us blinding us to the truth that what is offered is not freedom, but slavery.  We are taught to ignore the signs that something far greater is going on, and to pay attention to the petty squabbles of materialism and fake politics.  We are convinced to deny what we were created to be while we embrace our sin nature.  We forget how honorable it should be to be a woman.